I have not posted in a while. Living the day to day survival with Deserai and losing my son Jake, has been about all I can handle.
Jake’s story is at: http://joyforjacob-gonetoosoon.blogspot.com/2013/12/leave-him-alone-he-is-my-baby.html
We have walked through fire after fire this year. I myself have had serious health problems and went through hell with stuff last summer. After that, I almost went deaf with an ear problem and it was pretty scary and horrendous! While dealing with being deaf, my son died.
The past two months have been pretty challenging with Desi. I will give you a quick summary. She has been in Netcare (emergency mental health facility) for a few weeks, for raging and threatening suicide. She then met a girl at the hospital that she tried living with and that turned out to be quite a scary adventure also.
She has been nothing short of a walking stick of dynamite, since she lost her job.
She came home after the friend trauma. She was grateful for a few days to be home safe. Then it started all over again. Challenge after challenge with her anger.
We are on home row with disability, waiting for court, and she lost her job in December all due to her inability to manage her anger.
Since losing her job, I am convinced that right now she cannot hold a job. She lost her job because of her anger and she triangulated the entire company. Her boss, a friend of mine, could not take it any more. She did the work. I got her there on time, every work shift, but her emotional instability is beyond dangerous to herself and others.
After losing her job, was when things got worse, because she now had no resource for money and she has been feeling like a total failure.
So now on to yesterday. I almost lost my daughter. She did a serious, no nonsense, suicide attempt, yesterday.
How can I explain to you in a calm manner what happened after just finding my son dead three months ago? I cannot. So bear with me.
We were doing housework together and we were laughing at pillow cases. She asked for her next chore and I told her my room needed vacuuming. I am going to tell you this story from my side first and her side second.
I put the vacuum together and went down stairs to tell her. She was stretched out straight on her face, on the floor. I thought she was resting. I told her about the vacuum three times and she didn’t answer me. At that very moment I KNEW something was wrong. Fear gripped my soul. I had just seen this three months ago when I walked into Jake’s apartment and yelled at him and no answer.
I went over to her and pushed on her shoulder and called her name. Her eyes were going everywhere, but half open. IT WAS FINDING MY SON ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! I STARTED SCREAMING AT HER AND CALLING MIKE AT THE SAME TIME TO CALL 911. I WAS YELLING OVER AND OVER!!!!!! DESI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DESI!!!!!!!!!!!!! TALK TO ME!!!!!!!!!!
I was getting so frantic. At this point I thought maybe she was having a seizure. My son died from a seizure. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS SCARED ME????????? I was having a fit over how long it was taking the ambulance to get there. I started praying over her and just praying and praying and praying. God you have to save my child. Lord wake her up. I prayed until the ambulance showed up and at that point I started to sob. I was totally apart now.
I told them I thought she was having a seizure. They said no, it looks like she took something. WHAT THE HELL??????????????
WHY????? What could she have taken????? WHAT IS GOING ON??????????? WHY IS SHE DOING THIS?????
Oh Lord Jesus, I didn’t know if she was going to live or not. The med guys got her awake enough to tell them she took welbutrin, but she didn’t know how much. I found the bottle but could not prove how much because I add new scripts into old scripts, when they arrive. That keeps the numbers of bottles down.
Desi whispered something to me. I asked her loudly WHAT? She said “note”. She looked in the direction at where she had been laying. My eyes traveled there too and sure enough, there was a crumpled piece of paper on the floor.
I picked it up and read it to every one. It was a suicide note. She was sorry to everyone, but no reason why she did this.
So now we move into fast mode. We go to the emergency room. I am sobbing the whole way. Then I realize that the ambulance’s lights are not on and no sirene. So I ask the guy, is my daughter going to LIVE? He said yes, this medication doesn’t kill people. It will make them sick for a while but not kill.
I know I asked this question before this, but didn’t believe them. But now I do. Now I want to kill my daughter for this!!!!! I am like, you sent me through Jake’s death all over again. WHY???????? Flipping out here at the entire world who will not understand FASD and will not listen to me when I try to to educate and will not help my daughter get medications for her anger etc, because they THINK she can make choices on her own.
YOU ROTTEN PEOPLE! You are all ROTTEN CREEPS who won’t learn about FASD and because of that, I am living my son’s death all over again. I am blaming them all for what my daughter did.
I asked for some medications that would help calm her down at her last psych apt. and this wise ass doctor said no. She raised her antidepressant instead and spent the entire half hour telling Desi that she needed to start making better choices.
UM, YOU STUPID, STUPID lady! My daughter has bipolar and a brain that doesn’t process meds like normal people and you double her antidepressant which can send her into a manic episode, or make her suicidal, and you succeeded!!!!!! You crazy (can’t say it.)!!!! You get it people??? FOR so many freakin years I have been trying to get understanding from people, for my daughter, and I have been ignored, yelled at, told that my daughter’s problems are ME, and more.
Well now you are all going to listen to me because I am not going through this in my life, EVER AGAIN!!!!!! Do you know what it is like to feel the body of your lifeless child????????? Have you ever hugged your child;s stiff body?????
I have and it is the most devastating thing a parent can go through in this life, and once again I was pushing and moving a lifeless body!!!!!!!! NOT ONE MORE FREAKIN TIME am I ever going through this again. If I have to spoon feed her doctors FASD and force them to swallow it, they are going to listen.
My daughter has a traumatic brain injury. She is angry ALL the time. She didn’t choose this to happen to her, but it did and someone is going to find a medication that will help her calm down, so that her life can be saved.
My daughter is talented, smart, so much fun when she is not angry, but she has lost almost every friend in the world because she cannot manage her anger.
Listen up world. We cannot shove FASD under a rug any longer. It is killing our kids. It is jailing them. It is crippling them. It is leaving them helpless and struggling to live.
You don’t have a choice any more because I am not going to shut up and you can no longer hurt me with your accusations any more. You can’t blame me. You can’t ignore this and you are going to help my child.
Last week my very vulnerable and naive daughter went to the home of two men. She thought she was going to live there happily. I knew different. I knew she was in danger. Sure enough the next day she showed back up at home with a story that blew my heart up. They had forced her at gun point and made her snort cocaine. Desi has NEVER touched a drug in her life, other then her medications. This was very violating to her, because of her strong belief against drugs.
The next thing that happened was the older man tried to rape her. Enough of that story. She got away and was not raped. Of course this was a big part of what all fell into place yesterday when she tried to take her life.
Now on to Desi’s side.:
I came home to my mom’s but I didn’t want to be there. I am not really happy anywhere, but I feel like a total failure to my family and myself, right now. I lost my job and I can’t work because mom is trying to get disability for me.
I have no money to help myself with anything. (her hair is falling out from using glue and hair weave, this is hurting her heart greatly).
That morning, I decided to leave home again. I packed two bags, but sat down and realized. I have no where to go.
I have been telling myself for months now that one day I am going to take my life. I can’t live with this failure and this anger. I have hurt so many people and lost so many friends. I am alone with my pain.
I have to kill myself to get away from this pain. There is no other way.
So after I realized I had no where to go, I decided today was the day. I would do it. I took lots of welbutrin (Desi has no understanding of what drugs can kill and what can’t).
Then I just did my work, waiting for it to happen. I was upstairs with my mom doing pillow cases when I felt it happening. So I went downstairs, grabbed my note, shut my phone off and laid on the floor. I knew I was going to be dying now.
When mom came to me, I could hear her some and some not. I was in and out. But even though I could talk some, I didn’t want her to know what I did. I just wanted it to happen. I wanted to die.
Back to MOM. Watch out world. Desi is going to get help now, and you haven’t heard the last of us yet. LISTEN!
FASD is serious!
Today Desi is able to talk. She is still very shaky, but she has her mind. She knows that she needs help medically for her anger.
I had asked her psych last week for Clonidine to help her calm down and got told no. She said she had to try the antidepressant first. Desi said today: “I bet I get it now mom!” OMG! I laughed. I bet she does!
Lord Jesus thank you so much for keeping my daughter for me. Your angels are strong. I have always asked for the strongest ones for Desi and you gave them to me.
Don’t let them ever leave her and please Lord, Use a mallet over the head of people who need to listen. Thank you.
Thank you so much that I did not lose my Desi. I love her so much and I love you Lord. You are Awesome!