Imagine you are a tiny baby forming in the womb and you don’t get to make choices about what your life is going to be like daily.

One day you are high on crack, the next you are drunk, the next you are on meth.

Then your womb ends up in jail and you go through withdrawal before you have even seen life. You suffer through that for a while and then after some time, you are back on those drugs again.

You hear terrible stuff because your womb is a prostitute. You hear bad men. Your womb hates you and doesn’t ever talk loving to you. You feel rejection before you even experience life.

Life hurts in this womb every day. You are not loved and you are a drug addict already.

Then you are born into this world and the only bit of coziness you knew is gone and you are placed with a stranger.

This stranger starts to give you love, but that is so foreign to you that you don’t even understand it. You are still in pain because you no longer have your daily drugs.

Your brain is totally injured due to the alcohol, and you can’t process this world like normal.

So now this stranger loves you, but you are numb and still in pain and it is hard to feel anything for a while.

When you finally heal from being numb and in pain of withdrawal, then you are afraid.

You are afraid because the only life you have known from the beginning of your creation has been painful or drugged up. When drugged up, you didn’t experience feelings, so now you don’t know how to experience all this stimulation.

You are easily over stimulated which creates more pain for you. So you learn to protect yourself from everything in life the best you can, because all you know about life, is it hurts.

You reject others because the only people you have ever known rejected you.

You can’t react to stuff like normal kids because all this inner turmoil and emotional upheaval in your brain keeps you in this melt down feeling.

Your body stays in fight or flight all the time and the stress hormones are eating up your brain chemistry causing you depression. But no one sees it. No one understands it and they expect you to be happy, because they love you.

This is how my daughter started. She has FASD and Borderline Personality Disorder, which is the adult name for RAD or Reactive Attachment Disorder.

She is actually amazing, considering all that she has to deal with in her brain.

She stresses me to the max at times, but in reality, she can’t help it.

I just felt like writing this because many of you have kids whom don’t make sense. This type of start is why. It has to be awful.

Lord you saw my daughter’s beginnings and you had your hand on her from the start. Please help her heal in her life and learn to trust and feel safe.  Help her to relax and mend her frazzled mind.  Teach her about LOVE which is WHO YOU ARE! Thank you!


I think adopting children with special needs puts you in a place that is kind of bipolar.  People frequently either judge you, or they almost worship you and think you are greater then you really are.

 I never wanted either of those.  I just wanted to be treated normal.  But raising my kids up to adults often brought both pictures to light in my life.

 I was looked at often as the mom who was over protective, over bearing, seeing too much into the situation, and downright helicopter mom. I was treated rudely often by professionals who didn’t understand my kids and thought I was the one with the problems. Not that I don’t have any, because I sure do, but it was so hard to get them to understand I was trying to help my kids.

 Then of course my kids didn’t like me alot of the time because it is common for a mom to be in that position. It made me feel like the world might collapse on me between the outsiders that judged me and my own kids anger. Here I was in the middle just honestly trying to do the right things for my kids and the crowds were pressing in on me. I could not stop to please any of them though.

 Then there were those that admired me way more then I deserved to be admired. The “Wow you did an awesome thing” people. No I didn’t do an awesome thing and people can’t you see I am human and I just followed God’s leading and I make a lot of mistakes in this?  So while that might feel flattering for a moment, it doesn’t hold up in the day to day world of raising up kids with special needs.

 What I needed more then anything were those people who would let me vent now and then, and know that I wasn’t a bad person if I was frustrated or angry. I needed people who stood by me when I made mistakes and loved me no matter what I did wrong. As I walked through this crazy forest of trees where there was no real path, trying to figure out what was best for my kids along the way, and not always feeling total security in my steps, i needed some of the people on the side lines to say “Hey you are doing your best and I love you for that.”  Not that I am a saint, nor that I am the evil one either. Just let me be me. Just walk with me and learn with me. Just listen to me and not judge me when I am down. Don’t tell me “God must not be in this for you to have this may problems.”  What does that have to do with this? God doesn’t make anyone’s life down here perfect and yes He was in this. He sent every child to my home and not one was a mistake.

  Yes I went through these things. They really happened to me. When I had a bad day once when my children were little, someone actually asked me “Well then why did you take all these children then?”  I learned to keep things to myself. I learned that I wasn’t allowed to feel overwhelmed or unable ever. 

  Then I began to understand what some of my children were dealing with and learning how to help them. I got  very over zealous in trying to educate the world about FASD and what my children were struggling with. That landed me in all sorts of troubles.  There were those that thought surely I was looking for issues under every bush in my child’s life. There were those that thought I was way over protective of my kids etc. And one counselor actually lit right into me one day and informed me that “I was my child’s problem”.  

 Well gosh, my child thought the same. I had to stand alone for many years until my child learned about herself and realized herself what she was dealing with; I had to wait until she “owned” her own issues. 

  Now that they are raised, I no longer run across much of the “you are a saint” stuff and I don’t get accused either.  Now I am in the shadows and watching my children fly. I am still under girding them when needed, but it doesn’t bring a lot of attention to me publicly, so I am just a regular person these days. It is kind of nice.

 I have realized what probably people in stardom deal with. It is probably a lot of the same and it is hard for them to have regular friends and not “Fans” or “haters”.  

  I don’t want to be in the limelight  that way. I now just want to settle into life and help others along the way that need that person who walks beside them and knows they are not a saint or a sinner. But just a struggling parent who needs someone to be strong and stay by their side without judgement.

 Thank you Lord for making me strong in this walk. It was worth it.  



This topic is for encouraging parents that are in the thick of it.
Today I want to discuss “Tools for survival”

Some parents raising teens with FASD feel like they are going to com bust from the stress.
I was once that parent. I use to wonder if my body parts might land on the wall one day.
I told God numerous times that He picked the wrong girl for this job.
And yet now that we made it through that tough time, I am so glad they are my kids. I have gotten to see the beauty from the ashes.

My tools were these:
I had to talk to someone. I had to vent. But once I vented, I didn’t hang onto the negative. I moved forward to something that I enjoyed and tried to relax. I had hobbies that I kept going all the time. I kept my mind on what I would be doing for fun.
I didn’t dwell on how bad it was. I couldn’t. I would have collapsed. I took it one minute at a time, sometimes. I knew if I made it through this minute that I could live.

I prayed alot. I learned not to complain. Honestly complaining too much brought me down. I kept alot to myself because others would not understand. I didn’t need their negative understanding on me.

I learned to fight. To advocate for my kids. I became their best advocate and I faced the goliath of teachers and principals but with SMART HONEY. What that means is I came in prepared with my stuff and knowledge but I fed it to them in a kind manner. I learned not to be the mother bear who was ready to attack. I learned to be the loving, caring parent who knew absolutely what she was talking about and stood my ground in as kind a manner as possible.
This took years for me to learn. I faced many heart aches and set backs from teachers, for years, before I figured out that they listen better if you treat them with kindness. but run them over with knowledge and confidence.
With my kids I learned not to engage. I learned to protect myself and get away. I honestly learned not to yell back at them and that took a long time too. But it only stressed me out more if I did and I never won with them. I only incited them to react more. I have to state that I am still working on this. 🙂
I learned to state the rules and stand by them. I used to be a wimpy mom who would say something and not follow through. I got tough and when I did, they pushed me less. I followed through. I learned not to open my mouth unless I meant what I said.
THis gave me a sense of management and accomplishment because I didn’t feel so defeated by my kids. It takes strength to do this with kids that have FASD. But I learned with these kids that if you give them an inch, they take a mile. They are so manipulative in many ways.

You don’t have to be a mean mom to be a firm mom. I believed in consequences and I used them. But they were not abuse. They were teaching lessons. I never used consequences when my kid was angry or raging. It was after the storm was over. I should not say never. But I learned that if I did, it only escalated the situation.

These were my tools for survival as a mom of children with FASD.

I could never allow myself to just cry over it daily. It would have buried me. I learned positive ways to fight and stay alive.
Sometimes I have no support at all but God. I even had some very serious health problems in the middle of it all, but I still fought to stay upright.

I want to help others stay afloat.  We can’t give up. We do need to support each other, but we can’t just continue to be falling apart. We have to grab some tools and find what works for each of us and how to stay in the ship.

I have made it through so much. I raised my nine, lost one son to death, had serious health problems, almost died myself many times, have had depression, anxiety, and I had migraines for years that were daily, financial hits that were serious and more. I have learned that I can still be an over comer in all things.
I try to keep the fun in life even in the midst of the pain.

Thank you Lord for keeping me. Today my kids are 20 and 22 and the hard stuff has lessened alot, but they still need my guidance and external brain support.  There are still some outbursts. I am still working with all the same tools.

it isn’t easy still, but God has sustained me and I expect Him to continue.



Parents are wondering why their kids steal and Desi and I had a nice long conversation today about this. I thought it was very insightful. So I am sharing her words to help you.

This is a message from my daughter Desi. I am going to type out her own words entirely. I will prompt her some with questions.

Mom: Did you think stealing was wrong even when you young?

Desi: Absolutely. You guys taught us from a very young age the basics that taking things from others was wrong, so I knew it was wrong.
But I was always thinking solely about what I wanted and didn’t think of others feelings. Just like normal people, I always knew it was wrong, but I saw something and just took it and then the guilt and the anxiety would set in about getting caught and what I did.

Mom: so you feel this was more of an impulsive act that you did without thinking of the consequences first or before you did it.

Desi: absolutely.

Mom: You didn’t take things outside the home because you feared the law.

Desi: Yes I didn’t look at it as serious, taking from the family. Either way I knew it was wrong, but I didn’t think before I did it. If i did think about anything, it was about simply what I wanted and I didn’t dare ask you for it, as I feared I would be told no. It is tied into the fear of rejection and I would feel ashamed, get embarrassed and angry when I was rejected.

Mom: Do you think getting consequences harmed you?

Desi: Maybe at the time, but looking back as an adult now when your parents instill the fear of God in you it definitely puts perspective on it. It eventually sticks. I don’t look at it as punishment.
When you are punishing someone, I feel it is negative.
When it comes to people with FASD, if told you are going to punish them, that is a negative word. You have to put it into a perspective that is not negative. Put it into a lesson that is called consequences, but not punishment. It needs to be more of a lesson that teaches, but the consequence has to hurt a bit to teach. It will stick eventually. It did with me as I matured.
Consistency is something that I feel people with FASD need. It will stick. It did with me.

Mom: How do you handle the impulse control today.

Desi: Honestly I kind of grew out of it. I now understand what others feel when their things are taken as if my stuff was taken, I would be furious.

When I worked at the thrift store there was a man who was a pathological liar. He stole money out of my purse and I knew it.
I was livid and wanted to punch in his throat. I was so mad.
Being the one that always took from people, very rarely did anyone ever take from me.
That is sad. I was over here taking things from other people, but they were not being taken from me.

Mom: so the thrift store lesson taught you something?

Desi, no I stopped long before that, but personally feeling that, I know now it is terrible.

Mom: So why do you think you took things?

Desi: because I was too scared to ask for it and that huge fear of being told no and that fear of rejection, and also because I wanted something.


Reasons why young adults with FASD struggle to hold onto a job:

  • Processing:  Most bosses expect our kids to “hear” at the rate that they themselves are able to hear. Often that is not the case. You cannot tell my daughter three things in a row and expect her to remember them all. or hear all that was told to her.

The brain of a child exposed to alcohol in the womb has blockades in it. Random cells have been killed while alcohol bathed the poor baby’s brain far longer than the mom who drank it. due to immature kidneys that cannot process it out. Alcohol kills cells.

Pour alcohol on an ant and you will kill it Imagine what it is doing in that baby’s brain that is supposed to be developing?  Soon you have dead areas all over that are like holes. They call it “Swiss Cheese Brain”. Then it collapse on itself and is smaller. Children with FAS often have smaller heads due to smaller brains.

The synapse that is naturally set to go from A to Z in the brain has to make new roads to make it. So when this child processes, it goes from A through b, c, d and E, before it can reach Z.

You have told her a group of things to do for the day and she heard the first one and is processing it when you stopped at the third. That third one hasn’t hit Z and you have walked away assuming your employee knows the plan and when she doesn’t do all that is asked, you think she doesn’t do a job well. That is not the case. She didn’t process. or remember all that you told her to do. These kids often need prompts and prompts to do the prompts. all day from an external brain. Most employers are not there to hold the hand of their employees.

Feeling overwhelmed trying to remember and process creates Anxiety. The more you pile on them, the more the anxiety mounts and the more the meltdown risks ensue. This also affects processing and memory further. Can you think straight when you are anxious?

Pace. They may keep up for a while but it stresses their brain to keep up a pace and soon they are in a melt down and one wonders why.

  • Memory. Again, even if you write it down, she will forget the list. The cortex section of the brain houses memory. It is frequently injured in the brain, through alcohol exposure. Often these young people are like old people with Alzheimer’s. It is sad but their working memory is hit hard sometimes.  You have to tell and retell or they often forget. Imagine an employer being patient enough to do that with their employee?

Forgetting medications or inconsistency with taking meds. This leads to mood swings and break downs on days when little things will get to them because their bodies are often in withdrawal. I found pills in kid’s rooms frequently. They were tossed in drawers instead of down their throat. At almost 21, I have to give my daughter a text reminder to take her meds and sometimes still a repeat one to see if she did it when reminded. This can wreak havoc with a day at work if they are emotionally off kilter due to not taking their meds because they forgot.

  • Motivation. There is actually a center in the brain of the frontal lobe that is called the motivation segment of the brain. Our kids are often considered lazy, but it has to be damage in that part of the brain. Too many of them have this in common. They are the ones who simply cannot occupy themselves. They often don’t know where to start on things so they just don’t.
  • Thinking: Concrete, inability to think abstract, or solve problems, often very bad at math. My daughter cannot add two simple numbers in her head or subtract. Yes there are calculators but it is proof of her concrete thinking and inability to solve a problem.
    This causes them to freeze. They see a problem and can’t see their way around it. Their brains cannot sort out, solve OR sequence which is another one.

Which comes first, the chicken or the egg?  They don’t know where to start often. Sequencing requires abstract thinking. You start somewhere and you plan in your mind how you are going to get to the finish. These young adults can’t think that through. It requires too much processing and they get stuck. So they don’t start a project. Often things have to be prompted a step at a time for them to clearly reach the end.

  • Time: Inability to manage time well. Always late. Don’t realize how fast a clock runs. Can’t manage how much time it takes to get ready for work. My son would get out of bed 15 minutes before he was due at work and then couldn’t find anything he needed for work. He could not foresee the issues that it would take for him to get ready and he had no clue how long it took for him to drive to work. Constant lateness gets people fired.

Living in the moment. Inability to see the future. They don’t remember the past often either. Every day is ground hogs day. Brain trauma causes this through memory, processing and inability to plan. .
This causes them to lose their train of thought about where they are supposed to be, talk too much with someone on the job. They often lose track of TIME. How fast does a clock go? Can you and I sometimes figure out if we have only a minute to spare?  They cannot. They are in that minute and they stay in that minute.

I am an artist. I can sit down and work on a project and hours can go by and it will seem like minutes. That is how their whole day can be. They are not tracking time. They are just here now and doing what has to be done here and now and not thinking ahead or keeping time on the clock.  This is in the frontal lobe where planning is supposed to take place. But they have road blocks in the planning section. So their plans are scattered and not organized.  They are here and now and that is about all they know often.

An employer might find his employee with FASD chatting with another employee and forgetting that they are supposed to be working. Or there is a certain amount of work that needs to be done in a day and that employee just can’t get it done. He or she can’t plan how to get it done. They may need prompts on the steps to the end and/or they may forget all the jobs handed to them that day, so they start on one job and take their time and oops, where did the time go? Time?  It takes planning to manage time and planning has been injured.

  • Organization: Losing things. Yes. All the time. They can’t find their name pin, their hat, their shirt, their shoe, all required for work. Again due to lack of organization. This creates chaos in their rooms, apartments etc. They often look like the hoarders that we wonder how they can live in all that trash. They don’t know how to clean out the trash as that takes planning, processing, sequencing and memory.
  • Hygiene: This has improved with my kids, however it is often common with kids in their teens and lower functioning children. Not brushing their teeth enough, showers or hair care. Hygiene also takes planning, motivation, memory and processing. They forget.
  • Lack of impulse control:. Easy peasy. They do things without thinking it through because they don’t process well. They don’t remember. They don’t plan.
  • Complete self-centeredness, they are often unable to see others have problems too therefore they don’t show compassion on their coworkers or their attitude may make others upset easily.

Sometimes they don’t get along well with others.  Many have attachment issues and PTSD and all sorts of mental diagnoses like Bipolar, depression and anxiety.

They are sensitive often about everything people say. Again this is concrete thinking, not able to process where others are really coming from and no impulse control and they jump to conclusions and once they have their mind made up that things are a certain way, it is hard to help them change it because anger takes out all processing. Then they can lose focus on work and start fights/arguments or possibly tell lies about someone to get them in trouble, as to get even. They cause triangulation on purpose due to their emotional instability.
They are often Insecure about themselves and a desire to make themselves look better than their coworkers and have jealousy etc. Emotions are often right on the surface of a person with a traumatic brain injury which is what FASD is.

  • Lying:  Not admitting to making a mistake on the job, when probably the boss can see who is at fault. But our young adults lie for many reasons. Impulse control, protection, not processing through to the truth, etc.
  • Stealing: OOPS, taking things from their place of business that don’t belong to them. Often this is rooted in the center of the brain that doesn’t recognize sense of ownership. Also they see it, want it, and take it. No impulse control. Not processing through to the why they are doing what they are doing.
    It can give them a high to get something new. A drug so to speak. AWE see it, want it, Oh that feels good, but not processing through that there is a consequence for doing it.

Not always learning from consequences. Yes they can learn but their brains take much longer than a normal brain does to “Get” things and for them to stick in their memory banks. Some kids are worse at this than others.

Inability to realize that they will have consequences  for their actions therefore losing jobs and not meaning to lose the job, just living in the moment, not remembering the danger of their crime, lying about having done it etc.

  • Sensory issues. Last but not least I want to touch on the fact that many of our kids have sensory overload every day. Light and sound is louder and brighter to them and this overshadows their ability to function well, think clearly, stay focused and often triggers meltdowns.

Recap:  A traumatic brain injury is scattered and unpredictable where it lands. Often much is in the Frontal lobe.  It causes our young adults with FASD to struggle in many areas and some days can be worse than others.  Some days it seems that the brain is clicking along and others they are not remembering, processing, sequencing, planning, controlling impulses, and they are on over load from too much sensory and people.

It is a far more complex life for them and it takes most of their energy just to keep up with their brain. So adding in a job with lots of parts and pieces and expectations can be hard for some of them. Not impossible. My son is working part time as a cook and he has kept his job for two years.  I think there has to be a few pieces in place that can help. Doing the same things daily is a big one. Working with people who treat you with kindness and understand you and what you are dealing with helps.

An employer who doesn’t mind repeating himself throughout the day in a patient fashion.

An employer who “gets” being an external brain to the young adult with FASD will go a long ways toward success of that young adult’s ability to hold onto their job and become successful in life.



 This story is about my daughter, Desi. 

She is very articulate, got great grades in school until high school, is gorgeous so the boys want to know her. She has plans to work in criminal justice after school, which means college.

We all are behind her. Every one of us. We think she can do this. UNTIL she hit high school and began to decline year by year.

We didn’t know her issue to the full extent until she was a Freshman in high school. Somewhere along the way we discovered FASD.

Birth papers told the story already but we didn’t realize the damage that alcohol could do to a child. We knew she was born crack positive, already an addict at birth, but we didn’t know she had a brain injury that was about to rear it’s ugly head, big time.

My beautiful baby, landed in my arms at about three days old and she seemed so normal. The papers said crack addiction, but I had been praying for her. We noticed no withdrawal. In truth looking back, we think she was probably too sick to “speak”.

She writhed alot. She was wrestles, but she didn’t cry much. Was she already learning how to be tough and not allow the pain of this world get her? Was her brain injury such that she couldn’t even feel that pain?  All possibilities since kids with FASD often have a really high pain threshold.

My little girl was the apple of my eye. She was a blessing from God. She was an answered prayer.  She grew up and no one noticed anything wrong. She was emotionally labile frequently, but we had read crack babies were often emotionally fragile.

We thought she was smart, talented and had her whole world ahead of her. 

Every night after dinner my kids all had energy hour. Desi used to do acrobatics each evening. One night, I could not believe my eyes. She ran and flipped with no hands. AT TWO!!!  What the heck????  

We put her in gymnastics at age 5 and cheer leading at age 7. Our little one had talent! We needed to foster it.

The years went on and honestly Jon was the one that gave me the most cause for concern. He was having school issues, failing, and teachers that didn’t understand him. It was a long haul getting Jonny through school.  We suspected FASD, but we didn’t understand it well.  

 Desi went on in middle school to get the top grades in her class. She was doing so well and she was brokenhearted if she got a C.

We were sailing. Desi was just going to be, what she wanted to be. Everyone was proud of her and cheering her on.

All of a sudden in high school, the lights dimmed. Her grades began to  drop and she began to struggle. Behavior was showing up. She began cutting on her arms and life wasn’t high any more. 

She went through some counseling from Directions for Youth, and the counselor told me that my daughter had a mood disorder, and she needed professional help.

Thus began the decent into medication trials and failures. More cutting, grades dropping further, anxiety attacks at school, and on.

By her senior year she had an IEP and we understood FASD. We advocated for her in school and tried to get teachers to understand. However none of her teachers  really got it. She still looked so good and articulate. Surely there was nothing wrong, and I was an over protective mom.

Well when she almost failed her senior year and the IEP was failing her too, I went to school with her for a month to help her get caught up, so she could pass. This is when I truly began to get Desi’s disability. She failed every test she took. She failed due to memory issues.

She could not organize anything. She would do papers for teachers and lose them or forget to turn them in.  Her little dream was crumbling. How could she go to college and be in criminal justice, when she couldn’t pass a test, or be organized. She had no self motivation.  

 We were falling into the darkness. We could all feel it. Our Desi had some serious issues. She started with rages in high school too. This was horrible for all of us to deal with, and sometimes family members were in bodily danger.

Police were beginning to get involved in Desi’s life.  She ran out with knives one night and the police helicopter was out there looking for her.

We were spiraling down and the darkness was getting so thick that we almost felt blinded. How could we help our daughter? One day at a time, I would pray. Each situation presented new challenges to face and figure out.  Of course it wasn’t just Desi now, it was both Desi and Jon and this was really stressful for us parents.

 Now we are up to date. Desi is 19. She has now suffered the loss of her dream to go to college and be in criminal justice, but not only that dream, she had a simple job this year running a cash register and she lost that too, due to behavior on the job.

She makes friends really easily, but I honestly lost count of how many friends have rejected her, after they got to know her. When they found out that she can’t control her anger, they often just blocked her or stopped accepting her calls.  Rejection after rejection, over and over. I could not have handled that, and here my daughter is with a brain injury, and she is being required to handle this.

 Her whole life revolves around social stuff. She can’t stand to be alone, but she is now standing almost alone. No friends, even siblings are losing patience with her. 

 So she tells herself in her thoughts, one day I am going to have to die. I have no hope. I am a failure. I can’t manage my anger. I can’t keep a job. I can’t remember things that are important. I can’t even take care of myself. I AM A FAILURE!!!!!!

 The lights went out. Desi attempted suicide. Where once she could see, all her dreams crashed and now she feels blind. She is adjusting to a world that looks hopless to her and she doesn’t feel she has the tools to make it. She cannot see. In just a short few years she feels like she got a disability that is like going from sight to blindness.

 Now how does she cope? How can she get around? Who is going to be in her circle? Who will understand her? Who will guide her entire life?  She feels less then less.  She can do nothing about this and the very fact that she has a mood disorder while trying to adjust to this blindness compounds this totally.

 Where do we go from here?  

I think this is the hardest time for a kid with FASD to find out that their dreams are crashed and they are injured in the womb. They now have a very scary future ahead and don’t feel that they can make it on their own. or at all.

 Their very injury or disability pushes away all the ones that they need the most in their lives. Except her parents. Her parents are not leaving, but sadly her parents are the ones she blames right now. Her parents made her face her disability. Her parents are the ones who could handle her rages and anger and they are the only safe ones, so her parents get the brunt of it. They get to ride the roller coaster with her.

She is not only angry because her brain injury causes her to be, she is angry because she has lost her dream and is recognizing that she now has nothing left. Or so she feels that way, whether or not it is true.

Her parents don’t know if they can even hang in there forever either. It is wearing them out.  Where do we go from here?

One day at a time, God says and sometimes one minute at a time. It is all we have.

We need you God. We need miracles now. Desi needs another dream. One that she can reach. One that inspires her and brings her out of the darkness.

Send that dream God and send helper angels to bring her to that dream.

Send strength to her parents God. Send understanding to her siblings and friends. Send her some friends who will stick by her no matter what. We need you Lord.

We need a new dream to break out of this darkness and into the light once again. Hope! 

Thank you Lord, for we know YOU will not fail us!

Terry Quinn




I have not posted in a while. Living the day to day survival with Deserai and losing my son Jake, has been about all I can handle.

Jake’s story is at:

We have walked through fire after fire this year. I myself have had serious health problems and went through hell with stuff last summer. After that, I almost went deaf with an ear problem and it was pretty scary and horrendous! While dealing with being deaf, my son died.

The past two months have been pretty challenging with Desi. I will give you a quick summary. She has been in Netcare (emergency mental health facility) for a few weeks, for raging and threatening suicide. She then met a girl at the hospital that she tried living with and that turned out to be quite a scary adventure also.

She has been nothing short of a walking stick of dynamite,  since she lost her job.

She came home after the friend trauma. She was grateful for a few days to be home safe. Then it started all over again.  Challenge after challenge with her anger.

We are on home row with disability, waiting for court, and she lost her job in December all due to her inability to manage her anger.

Since losing her job, I am convinced that right now she cannot hold a job. She lost her job because of her anger and she triangulated the entire company.  Her boss, a friend of mine, could not take it any more. She did the work. I got her there on time, every work shift, but her emotional instability is beyond dangerous to herself and others.

After losing her job, was when things got worse, because she now had no resource for money and she has been feeling like a total failure.

So  now on to yesterday. I almost lost my daughter. She did a serious, no nonsense, suicide attempt, yesterday.

How can I explain to you in a calm manner what happened after just finding my son dead three months ago? I cannot. So bear with me.

We were doing housework together and we were laughing at pillow cases.  She asked for her next chore and I told her my room needed vacuuming. I am going to tell you this story from my side first and her side second.

I put the vacuum together and went down stairs to tell her. She was stretched out straight on her face, on the floor. I thought she was resting. I told her about the vacuum three times and she didn’t answer me. At that very moment I KNEW something was wrong. Fear gripped my soul. I had just seen this three months ago when I walked into Jake’s apartment and yelled at him and no answer.

I went over to her and pushed on her shoulder and called her name. Her eyes were going everywhere, but half open. IT WAS  FINDING MY SON ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!   I STARTED SCREAMING AT HER AND CALLING MIKE AT THE SAME TIME TO CALL 911.  I WAS YELLING OVER AND OVER!!!!!! DESI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DESI!!!!!!!!!!!!!  TALK TO ME!!!!!!!!!!

I was getting so frantic. At this point I thought maybe she was having a seizure. My son died from a seizure. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS SCARED ME?????????  I was having a fit over how long it was taking the ambulance to get  there.  I started praying over her and just praying and praying and praying.  God you have to save my child. Lord wake her up. I prayed until the ambulance showed up and at that point I started to sob.  I was totally apart now.

I told them I thought  she was having a seizure. They said no, it looks like she took something. WHAT THE HELL??????????????

WHY????? What could she have taken?????  WHAT IS GOING ON???????????   WHY IS SHE DOING THIS?????

Oh Lord Jesus, I didn’t know if she was going to live or not. The med guys got her awake enough to tell them she took welbutrin, but she didn’t know how much.  I found the bottle but could not prove how much because I add new scripts into old scripts, when they arrive. That keeps the numbers of bottles down.

Desi whispered something to me. I asked her loudly WHAT?  She said “note”. She looked in the direction at where she had been laying.  My eyes traveled there too and sure enough, there was a crumpled piece of paper on the floor.

I picked it up and read it to every one. It was a suicide note.  She was sorry to everyone, but no reason why she did this.

So now we move into fast mode. We go to the emergency room. I am sobbing the whole way. Then I realize that the ambulance’s lights are not on and no sirene. So I ask the guy, is my daughter going to LIVE?  He said yes, this medication doesn’t kill people. It will make them sick for a while but not kill.

I know I asked this question before this, but didn’t believe them. But now I do. Now I want to kill my daughter for this!!!!!  I am like, you  sent me through Jake’s death all over again.  WHY????????  Flipping out here at the entire world who will not understand FASD and will not listen to me when I try to to educate and will not help my daughter get medications for her anger etc, because they THINK she can make choices on her own.

YOU ROTTEN PEOPLE! You are all ROTTEN CREEPS who won’t learn about FASD and because of that, I am living my son’s death all over again. I am blaming them all for what my daughter did.

I asked for some medications that would help calm her down at her last psych apt. and this wise ass doctor said no. She raised her antidepressant instead and spent the entire half hour telling Desi that she needed to start making better choices.

UM, YOU STUPID, STUPID lady! My daughter has bipolar and a brain that doesn’t process meds like normal people and you double her antidepressant which can send her into a manic episode, or make her suicidal, and you succeeded!!!!!! You crazy (can’t say it.)!!!!   You get it people??? FOR so many freakin years I have been trying to get understanding from people, for my daughter, and I have been ignored, yelled at, told that my daughter’s problems are ME, and more.

Well now you are all going to listen to me because I am not going through this in my life, EVER AGAIN!!!!!! Do you know what it is like to feel the body of your lifeless child?????????  Have you ever hugged your child;s stiff body?????

I have and it is the most devastating thing a parent can go through in this life, and once again I was pushing and moving a lifeless body!!!!!!!!  NOT ONE MORE FREAKIN TIME am I ever going through this again. If I have to spoon feed her doctors FASD and force them to swallow it, they are going to listen.

My daughter has a traumatic brain injury. She  is angry ALL the time. She didn’t choose this to happen to her, but it did and someone is going to find a medication that will help her calm down, so that her life can be saved.

My daughter is talented, smart, so much fun when she is not angry, but she has lost almost every friend in the world because she cannot manage her anger.

Listen up world. We cannot shove FASD under a rug any longer. It is killing our kids. It is jailing them. It is crippling them. It is leaving them helpless and struggling to live.

You don’t have a choice any more because I am not going to shut up and you can no longer hurt me with your accusations any more.  You can’t blame me. You can’t ignore this and you are going to help my child.

Last week my very vulnerable and naive daughter went to the home of two men. She thought she was going to live there happily. I knew different. I knew she was in danger. Sure enough the next day she showed back up at home with a story that blew my heart up. They had forced her at gun point and made her snort cocaine. Desi has NEVER touched a drug in her life, other then her medications.  This was very violating to her, because of her strong belief against drugs.

The next thing that happened was the older man tried to rape her.  Enough of that story. She got away and was not raped. Of course this was a big part of what all fell into place yesterday when she tried to take her life.

Now on to Desi’s side.:

I came home to my mom’s but I didn’t want to be there. I am not really happy anywhere, but I feel like a total failure to my family and myself, right now. I lost my job and I can’t work because mom is trying to get disability for me.

I have no money to help myself with anything. (her hair is falling out from using glue and hair weave, this is hurting her heart greatly).

That morning, I decided to leave home again. I packed two bags, but sat down and realized. I have no where to go.

I have been telling myself for months now that one day I am going to take my life. I can’t live with this failure and this anger.  I have hurt so many people and lost so many friends.  I am alone with my pain.

I have to kill myself to get away from this pain. There is no other way.

So after I realized I had no where to go, I decided today was the day. I would do it. I took lots of welbutrin (Desi has no understanding of what drugs can kill and what can’t).

Then I just did my work, waiting for it to happen.  I was upstairs with my mom doing pillow cases when I felt it happening.  So I went downstairs, grabbed my note, shut my phone off and laid on the floor. I knew I was going to be dying now.

When mom came to me, I could hear her some and some not. I was in and out.  But even though I could talk some, I didn’t want her to know what I did. I just wanted it to happen. I wanted to die.

Back to MOM.  Watch out world. Desi is going to get help now,  and you haven’t heard the last of us yet. LISTEN!

FASD is serious!

Today Desi is able to talk. She is still very shaky, but she has her mind. She knows that she needs help medically for her anger.

I had asked her psych last week for Clonidine to help her calm down and got told no. She said she had to try the antidepressant first. Desi said today: “I bet I get it now mom!” OMG! I laughed. I bet she does!

Lord Jesus thank you so much for keeping my daughter for me. Your angels are strong. I have always asked for the strongest ones for Desi and you gave them to me.

Don’t let them ever leave her and please Lord, Use a mallet over the head of people who need to listen. Thank you.

Thank you so much that I did not lose  my Desi. I love her so much and I love you Lord. You are Awesome!