When you can’t talk

Posted: November 14, 2011 in 2011, Raising Hearts, When you can't talk

This week has been one from hell, is seems, but I can’t share about it. Sometimes life is just so personal and I just can’t talk about it on a public forum. It was about the kids with FASD though. They just didn’t do well this week. It was awful. It was one I just don’t want to repeat, ever.

I think FASD is like that. Sometimes kids/adults with FASD just have really bad days. I mean REALLY BAD. It seems that life for them is like riding a roller coaster and the hills and valleys are frequent. I am ready to get off this ride, but I feel locked in my seat and crashing around bends, screaming “Let me off!”, but getting off isn’t possible. The motor is broken. It was damaged by mood altering drugs and alcohol and only a miracle can change that. Not that God isn’t the author of miracles and I am one who is certainly not limiting Him. I believe for the very best for my kids all the time. For now though, each day, I need His grace to deal with the ride.

So this week we were on the top of the coaster and free falling down a mighty long hill going 200 miles per hour and at the bottom, we crashed. It was just awful. That is all I can say. I am still trying to recover from the crash. I am not well. This ride took my physical body to the bottom too.

 I will recover. I always do, but I just want off the coaster. I can see that I am still strapped in and for a few days it appears that we are going to coast. I hope so at least, but then I don’t know when the next bend is, or the next hill, or drop. I don’t know when we will suddenly pick up speed, or fly over a top and crash again.

 I can’t afford the luxury of having fear of what is around the corner. That too, is a dangerous part of the ride. I have to work at letting go,  trusting God and staying close to Him. I have to continue in prayer for my kids.

Every day a little more of my heart, lets go and trusts God more with my adult/almost adult children. I have to. It is more then I can handle alone.

 I have to keep talking to myself. The worst that can happen, is ok. It has to be ok. I can’t afford to spend my heart in worry and fear. The worry and fear is part of the ride. I have to some how, some day, get off the ride. Thirty one years I have been raising children. I want to feel that they are successful adults, that have their own lives.

 It isn’t that way with FASD. It has robbed the two kids/ young adults, that have it. FASD stole their freedom in many ways. It is sad. I get sad. I can’t change it though. One more part of the ride, to learn to accept the things that I cannot change. To let go and let God.

 He has to have the ability to bless their future. He has to take the things that they were robbed of, and turn it around for good in their lives. He is our only hope and we will never stop hoping.

 So though I can’t tell you the details of the week, I have shared the feelings. The feelings of living with FASD. Sometimes I look around me and see others who think life is hard. They think life is hard when they have it seemingly easy. Once I asked God how to deal with that. People would come to me and say, “How do you handle nine kids? I can’t stand the one I have.”. It would make me mad. You don’t understand how easy one is. Why not?  Why God?

 He said, “Terry, I didn’t give them grace for nine. They can’t understand your grace.” Wow, it is His grace. Yes it is hard, but without His grace, I would not be able to live. That is just all there is to it. I would not be here. Since I am, then I know that He is beside me in my coaster car. He is there when I crash. He will not leave me or forsake me, nor my kids. There is a victory for them and we are going to keep believing that we will get it.

 I don’t want to pity my kids. I want to empower them. Empower them to live victorious over FASD. Let’s walk that journey and see how that is done……..Thank you Lord for teaching us how to be victorious over this ride. Show us how to walk over those rough spots and not crash. That alone would be such a victory.  So many parents of FASD are burned out. There has to be an answer for victory over that. I guess for one more day, I will stay in my seat and see where this ride is going. So glad that God is in my seat with me. Thank you Lord.



  1. Sarah Irvine says:

    your words lift me up 🙂 we have all or are going through what you describe. Keep your stregenth in God 🙂

    When you are ready to tell more you will .. if not that is okay too 🙂

    Hugs to you all..

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