Am I enabling? Is he abusing?

Posted: March 2, 2012 in 2012, Am I enabling? Is he abusing?, Raising Hearts

Yes!  That is what happened today. Mike and I are discussing whether or not, we need to get an eviction on Jon now.

 Here is the story. Jon is doing dope. Of course you all know that, as I have written many  times before about that. FASD has given his brain enough damage so that he does not make positive choices for himself.

He is currently on the edge of not graduating high school with only  three months to go, due to this stuff called DOPE! 

This mother bear has worked her tail off to get this kid through school all these years. I can’t begin to tell you what it has been like to help a son with FASD get through school

There has been so many calls from the schools over the years for disruptive behavior, fights for IEPS and help, constant discipline at school, teacher complaints, teachers giving up, suspensions on a regular basis, and even a felon on a teacher in high school.

 Now we are three months from the end of this tremendous trial and Jon is giving up because of the drugs that are out there. 

 We have tired every possible thing to get this kid free from this.

We have fined him for it.

We have kicked him out and he comes back like a helpless puppy needing our help and he does need our help.

We have tried lock down and he snuck out the windows at night.

We have tried giving him all his freedom and allowances etc. and he started coming home stoned.

 Now we are trying a new thing. We have stopped giving him money, so that he can’t purchase any of this stuff. We feel that we are enabling him that way.

 So now Jon wants to go get an ID so he can sell his plasma for dope money. I refuse to give him his birth certificate and social card so that he can go do that.

 Ok, so today Jon calls 911 on me. He tells the police that I won’t give him his social card and birth certificate. Well I planned ahead just a bit before they arrived and I called my lawyer. I found out that those documents are MINE and if he wants those documents he has to go downtown and file to get his own.

 He probably does not realize yet that those will cost him some money that he won’t have to pay for them.

Here is what happened though. The officers asked me why was I hanging in there with this son of mine who obviously didn’t want to do anything right? They told me that I am enabling him to do these drugs and I need to go downtown and file an eviction on him to get him out of my house.

Then if he comes back here, he is their problem.

OK PARENTS OF FASD KIDS, What would you do???  Would you continue to help your son graduate? Would you kick him to the streets? I would love it if you would share how you might handle this.

Please don’t tell me what I should do.  I am going to go to my heavenly Father and pray about what I should do.  However I would love to know what you would do if you were in my position. Maybe I can learn from you.

I even asked the officer. “Would you put your son out if he was mentally disabled?”  He said no. Then he looked at the ground, as in that moment, he knew my helplessness. 

After the officers left, Jon came to my door and rang the bell over and over. I asked him what he wanted, as I was uncertain how he was going to behave after that, and not sure I should let him in the house. He said he wanted to get his stuff. Ok legally he can get his stuff.

 He came in the house, ran upstairs where my office was, and began tearing stuff out of my desk. He found a copy of his social, which also had copies of all my family socials and he took it. I tried to get it from his hands and he man handled me, which was abuse to me.

My lawyer was on the phone through all of this and I knew that if I called the police at that moment, I could have had my son arrested for what he did.

He used lots of choice language and went down stairs and cut his part out.

I have endured physical stuff from this kid, emotional agony, and I can honestly tell you that there has never been any real joy in raising Jonathan. 

Does this sound sad? I guess maybe I enjoyed watching him in sports etc., but all the pain that has been there through every day with severe ODD behaviors, are mostly what I have on record in my memory box.

It has always been work and hardship. I bet other parents of FASD kids can identify.

I know what joy in raising a child is, as I have nine total and I have been very blessed with my children. I know that I love Jon with every bit of my heart even though I have had all this hardship.

 Countless nights, Jon has kept me up with this mess. Countless nights he comes home late with red eyes and smelling. Countless days, I try to help him continue in school. Countless days I am badgered by my son, his anger and bad language.

 I keep doing this because I know my son did not choose to be brain damaged. He is unable to live on his own. He doesn’t know how to manage time and get to work. He does not know how to remember to take his meds daily. He doesn’t realize the consequences of his actions.

 He didn’t make the choice to be born so damaged.

 Do I toss him to the streets?

I have never been one to give up on anything or anyone.  I won’t give up on Jon, but putting him out, might not be giving up. I am not sure yet.

Lord, you have a plan for my son. I know that and the plan isn’t for the streets and dope.

You have a hope and a future for my son and the enemy of our souls cannot have my son.

Lord once again, send out the very strongest of angels and minister to my son. Show him how much you love him.  Thank you Lord. You are so good to me.

  1. Sherry Bracker says:

    I can so feel your pain. My son has recently started using dope. We are now drug testing him nad I am flipping ouit every time he wants to go out. He also has rages and ODD. Like I said I can so feel you pain. I also like you know that I could not throw him out permently. They need help just not sure where to get it for them.

  2. Through all my battles with my Damaged Angel, I don’t think I could have ever given up on her. I am her biological mother and I think that makes a big difference. She is my heart and because of my choices her life is a daily struggle. Without me, her external brain, I don’t know how she would ever survive and thrive in this big ole’ mean world. Through all our battles, and believe me there were MANY, I would never ever consider throwing her out. In fact, just to maintain some peace, I ignored alot of her bad behaviors and prayed for her safety instead. It worked for me as she is still alive and in relatively good shape. I refused to “play” and that deflated alot of her anger. Much love to you and yours as you deal with a no-win situation.

  3. RJ Formanek says:

    Being a person with FASD, I hope my comments will also be accepted… but I am wondering if his drug use happens to come along with a measure of social acceptance. By that I mean, maybe the drug use is there because of the people who are accepting him socially. They use, and if he uses then he is accepted… so there may be more to it than just his using drugs.

    Also, I know there has been research (whether official or just stories I can’t say for sure)… but there is a line of thought that says smoking marijuana can actually have positive results for SOME people with FASD. I wonder… how does HE feel when he’s high? What are his impressions of the drug? Does he feel “better”? Or is it just a crutch? (Of course this DOES NOT extend to other so called recreational drugs.) These are things I would wonder about… I’m sorry I can’t address the behaviour since we are all so very different, but I wish you the very best!

  4. Jenny says:

    I too am on my knees for you, asking our great God to intervene on your behalf. I have had an experience of “putting out” my daughter under some similar conditions. There are no easy answers. But I know your heartache. I love my daughter still but I refuse to make it easy for her to make destructive decisions. Even through all of this she still considers us her mom and dad and came to live with us for a while after learning she was pregnant. She lost the twins at 20 weeks, what an unbelievable heartache. She just moved out again to resume her previous life of living in an emotionally abusive relationship, under the roof of her boyfriends volital, alcoholic mother. She would live under a bridge before coming to live with us although she knows we can provide her with stability, community, health care, food, clothing, encouragement, emotional growth, love, the list goes on and on…these things rarely matter to her in the here and now.

  5. Pam says:

    I would provide everything for him until he is 18 and try to get him graduated. Maybe in the mean time he could be drug tested and put in the psychiatric facility to be detoxed and then attend out patient drug program for teens. Also does he drive and have a cell phone maybe you could take these things away until you get drug abuse under control. Also monitor internet use. If he drives you could put a GPS tracking devise on his car. I also hear of a tracking devise they can put on phonesGood thing don’t give him money or gift cards period. Put him on a strict schedule doing something 24/7 so he does not have down time.

  6. fasjennifer says:

    My parents tried to tie me down on many occasions, I hated them for this. I didn’t do drugs, but I drank and its because of who I hung around with, if they drank I had to drink too. Those of us with FAS are “followers”. We do what everyone around us is doing and its sad if we get in with the wrong crowd.. We do not care what our parents want for us, we just want to do it all by ourselves. It got so bad my parents left me, they moved clean outa town and I stayed with the people they didn’t want me staying with. Well, BAD things happened to me, my Momma was a praying God Fearing women and I had so many dreams of her trying to contact me and this ” spirit” telling me to please please call her. I did not listen and I got raped. I ended up calling my parents who came and rescued me. My parents had rules that was followed to the tee or “family meetings” was done and I hated those family meetings. This staying with my parents lasted until I was 26 yrs old. Yes I hated it,, but, they never gave up, they didn’t understand why I couldn’t just be OK!! Now I am with Department Of Social Servies and they handle my money and my bills and my well being. I look back now and Thank God for my parnets and their strick upbringing of me. I had to have a strick upbringing. or I would be dead today. Im so sorry he is being like this towards you. All I know to do is pray for you, your husband, and him. God is going to have to intervene. Detox might be a good thing for him to go through.

  7. Bramble Davidson says:

    We have had many battles with our daughter. She was diagnosed with FAS at age 3 just before we adopted her. She is now 17 and not living with us. Her problems started at age 10, and by problems I mean stealing, lieing, bad decisions, bad judgement, very bad impulse control, aggressiveness, destructiveness, and social unacceptance, etc, etc. We have had Social Services involved twice in the last 7 years. She has been in and out of court for destruction of property and personal aggressiveness and is on probation at present time. She can be the sweetest person there is and in a moments notice, usually over something simple, she can turn verbally and physically aggressive. She has been in several foster homes and is currently in a therapudic foster home. She has also been in a group home and an in residence treatment center. She spent some short stays in a county juvenile detention center. Also has had a therapist/psychiatrist and a counselor throughout the last 7 years. We finally reached our limits about a year ago and had to have her removed by the police again when she became physical and threatened bodily harm as well as bust out the back door glass. Our Social Services personnel here in Virginia has always found her a place to live, so we have not had the experience of just kicking her out without a place to go. I don’t know if I could do that or not. Despite all her problems, we still love her, but we really don’t know what the future holds since she turns 18 this coming November. Social Services here in Virginia has a program called Indepentent Living. Now after 18, it is voluntary. We are hoping she will do that. So until she is 18, we, the system, foster parents, and who ever else is involved are going to try to keep her on track. I will pray for your son just as I pray for my daughter. God is the only one who can truly help these children. I pray every day for my daughter’s healing. You are not alone in your quest for what to do.

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