Why can’t parents get an IEP?

Posted: April 1, 2012 in 2012, Raising Hearts, Why can't parents get an IEP?

Does that sound crazy?  Not to me now. Here is what my IEP would state:

This parent has children with FASD and even though you don’t understand HER or HER KIDS, you have to treat her with kindness just the same.

You must believe that she is doing the best she can with her kids and what ever she tells you about her kids, IS THE TRUTH.

She is not making up stories ever. She is not just being a “Mother Bear”.

She is disciplining her children. She is not allowing them to get away with everything. Her children look bad sometimes, but they can’t always help it. No that is not an excuse. It is the truth.

So please be patient with her and always give her understanding. She is probably extremely stressed out. Never take her completely personally.


Where on earth did I come up with an idea like that?

Well I have gone years dealing with people who look at me like I either think I know more then them, OR I am babying my kids, OR I might be making up excuses for my kids, OR I need to take parenting classes, as I just don’t know how to parent my kids.

I am not understood often. WHY? Because people don’t understand my kids. They expect them to bring forth normal behavior as much as possible, all the time. If they don’t, they are lazy, inconsiderate, liars, mean or what ever along those lines.

My kids are human’s with FASD. Of course they can do things wrong like normal kids and miss the boat, but these kids will struggle far more with the same wrongs then a neuro typical kid will.

So here is my story.  On Friday this week, I had a chiropractor appointment. While at that appointment my daughter’s coach texted me that she was not there.

So I tried to call  Desi to see what was going on. NO ANSWER…….her phone just rang and rang. I knew that she would have walked home from school and had to walk back to the school for track.

We have just recently been going over some of the risks for girls that are taken for human trafficking.

So my mind begins to reel in concern, but not panic yet.

I go to run an errand and try to pace myself fast, so I can get home and see what might be going on.

Next the coach texts me and tells me that she can’t compete on Saturday because she didn’t show for practice.

I was ready to clobber him at that point. My goodness, I was worried that she was ok and he was getting his rules across.

I texted back and told him that I am not worried about the rules right now, but I am concerned for Desi’s life.

I keep trying to reach Desi. No answer.

I pay for my stuff, dash out to my van and try to slightly speed home.

I am praying all the while and redialing her phone. Nothing.

Horrible pictures are trying to attack my mind, but I push them out.

When I get home, there is Desi sound asleep.

DESI!! You are late for track!!!

Oh mom, I was so tired, I fell asleep. She tries to get her wits about her and get dressed for track. Of course she was tired. She had to do a whole lot of make up work that day in school, as I recently got in touch with her teachers to find out what she was behind on.

She also is tired alot with her own physical issues related to asthma.

So I rush her on and we run over to the field. I get out of the car to run over and talk to the coach.

In my mind, we are not that late, as it is just past 4:30 and I thought they practice until 6:30.

I try to see if she can compete, now that she is here. He is saying no.

I try to explain Desi to him. He is not listening.  In fact he is refuting the whole thing with “she has been in track for three years and she never did this before”. At this point, I am thinking, Right, I have always been there. My goodness, are you going to penalize this ONE MISTAKE?

He is angry that she didn’t call him. Well that is a no brainer, she was asleep.

He goes on and gets angry with me. I am trying to explain a bit about her disabilities and he is not listening at all.

Then he said rudely that “Ok she can compete, but if she does this again, she will be out of MULTIPLE competitions”.

I knew that wasn’t a good thing to put on her. One mistake and she will miss a ton of track? I just paid 150.00 the day before for her to do this. I don’t want her to miss a ton. My heart is breaking as this man who is normally so nice is not hearing my heart.

Where is the grace for a mistake?

He walks away. I call after him. “Are you angry with me?”

He states that he is angry at the situation.

Angry? Because she fell asleep and missed one track competition??

Desi wants to know what is going on, so I tell her. She says Mom, I am not going to compete.

So I tell the coach and we just leave. She is hurt and doesn’t want to continue in track.

I am hurt and don’t know why this man is so angry because my daughter was an hour late for a practice, because she wasn’t feeling well.

I have just gone through the mother fears about her life, ran home, hurried her to the field and then this.

We go home. I text him and try to explain why we are upset and I end my text with, I think parents of kids with disabilities should be able to have IEP’s so that people would just treat them with kindness even if they don’t GET IT!

Well in the end, this man did apologize to me, but he stuck by his rules.

We tried to just let it all go and she will be back in track on Monday and competing on Tuesday.

I want my IEP. I want people to accept what I tell them and believe me. I want the world to be kind to me, even if they don’t Get it about my kids.

Raising FASD kids is riddled with missunderstanding from outsiders. It is the story of my life really.  I am considered over parenting, or under parenting, or over protective, or babying my kids, or not disciplining them.  This sounds like I can’t win for loosing, doesn’t it?

FASD is an invisible disability that others see as behavior issues, immaturity, irresponsibility, lazy, and rebellious.

All kids can have a little of that, but these kids have extremes. They are not understood often and neither are their parents.

I know, I need to grow some thick skin, right? Gosh, I have been trying to, but when it comes to my kids, I just thin back out so easily.

I often state, I have nine children. I have raised the ones that do so well. They do not have FASD. Honestly, it is not me. I am giving this all I got.

Give me a break world or get me an IEP!!!

Someone wrote on an FASD board that a man with an autistic child hands out business cards that explain his children’s behaviors.

Maybe I should have done that a long time ago. Now my kids are adult, or near that and it would probably embarrass them.

I love my kids. Lord help the world to understand us. Thanks.


  1. Karen says:

    This is the best I have seen in a long time and it fits how I feel EXACTLY! I want an IEP too!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Jackie says:

    I need one too! Perfect fit.

  3. Sarah Irvine says:

    so beautifully written and from the heart of a woman that knows!!!! I want a IEP that explains why i parent the way i do…

  4. Dee says:

    The track coach has rules — Desi knew the rules, you knew the rules, coach knows you both knew the rules. Heck, your daughter has followed his rules for 3 years.

    Coach has a point.

    • You are correct Dee, but that night I was so scared for her life and he knew that. She hadn’t done it before. It was more like she was ill but she came anyway. But yest I know he has his rules and she did not compete.

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