My world has to be just right!

Posted: May 7, 2013 in 2013, My world has to be just right!, Raising Hearts




I have been pondering this all day. Desi has a pretty serious issue with things in her world not being A-OK, all the time. I mean even little things that are not right. She feels the need to set things right and will obsessively text someone until she gets the answer she wants to hear.

I have been wondering, “how can I help her?”

She is pushing friends away with her demanding behavior at times.  I don’t want to see her friendless. She doesn’t have any friend who has really stuck with her in life. They all come in for a season and drop out after a while. Often I have seen why.

I try to help my daughter to go slow, to learn how to relax and trust God with things. It appears to me that this is honestly a “Can’t, not won’t” issue.

There is an issue going on right now with a boy that she is dating , she is terribly unhappy about it, and will be until it is settled. She can’t let it go.  It is the one thing on her mind.

She is texting him constantly to try and get him to resolve it and he isn’t responding back. Is this going to be another loss for her?  I am trying to trust God about it all myself. I want her with the right person in her life. That person needs to be someone who can handle her demanding issues.

Back when she used to go into rages, she would rage in my face, trying to get me to agree with her, or give her the answer she wanted to hear. I couldn’t do that, for one, it would have made rages happen more and two, I wanted her to mature and realize that she couldn’t get her way every minute. If I gave it all to her the way she demanded, she would never mature. She has matured some now. She has managed to get some control over her raging. I also have learned not to push her, or argue with her when she is in that mood. I walk away and let her calm down.

Anyway in today’s pondering, I think I have some clues that are linked to her FASD, her brain injury, as to why she gets this way.

 Deserai is a concrete thinker. She cannot solve problems very well in general because she can’t use abstract thinking. So her problem solving abilities are low. Often I have to solve things for her that she can’t figure out. She will always say, Wow that is a great idea. She couldn’t come up with it herself though, because it takes abstract thinking to solve problems. That is often why these kids can’t do well in math. 

So when she sees a problem, but can’t figure out many solutions to it,  she demands that someone else, an exterior brain, resolves it for her. She feels helpless, overwhelmed until someone finds a solution.

Desi lives in the moment. Often folks with FASD do not have good concept of time. So they don’t think into the future. Right this moment she is hurting and someone has to take that pain away. She can’t imagine that it can be resolved and fixed in time, so she gets demanding that someone fix it now!

 She doesn’t remember what happened the last time she did this to someone. Her memory is impaired. She has had the consequence of loosing a friend, but she doesn’t bring that to the forefront of her memory when she is acting now.  

 She is insecure and frustrated often anyway, as a brain injury keeps her from feeling full confidence in her life about most every thing. 

Her life feels very unsafe and scary when something is wrong. She wants to make it all right and safe, NOW. 

She has no ability to wait for gratification, which is what young children are about and her maturity level is much lower then her 18 years of age.

 So when a problem presents itself in a relationship, Desi will text and push that person to fix the issue, until often she pushes the person out of her life.

 This makes me sad as I don’t want her to be lonely, as the greatest need that my daughter has is for a social life and friends. The  thing that she needs the very most, seems the farthest from her reach, because of her actions.

 I have prayed that God would send her friends that are as needy as she is, so that they would need her as much as she needs them. I am not sure if that is a good thing or not. 🙂

Lord you know what is best for my daughter. Please send her lots of friends and ones that fit with who she is and will stick by her.

Thank you Lord!

Terry Quinn

  1. Lynn says:

    This sounds like classic perseveration, coupled with the inability to self soothe. I look after my brother, aged 45, who lives with me and has (officially) undiagnosed fetal alcohol effects. He really exhibited some of the above behaviour in his teens and twenties, but has somewhat matured out of it. He has learned that soaking in a hot tub of water calms him.
    The way I understand it is that our brains communicate between the right and left hemispheres, balancing impulse and reasoning, ie, the river doesn’t look that wide, I bet I can swim accross, doesn’t that beach on the other side look inviting? Immediately the impulse switches over to the reasoning side that reminds me about swimming fully dressed, undertows, and all the stories of drownings I have heard. If my brain has been damaged, it may not connect to the reasoning side and the next thing you know, I am in the river. I may know of the dangers, but my brain did not access those files until I was in trouble. It’s like having a bridge in my brain that intermittantly goes out.
    This over simplified illustration has helped me understand why my brother, who has a very high IQ, would on occasion do breathtakingly foolish things with all the following consequences. Thank God, maturity has helped with this also.
    Praying for you and yours Terry!

  2. bn29380 says:

    great article,it shed some light on my on behavior,I do not have FAS

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