Archive for the ‘2012’ Category

This month we celebrated FASD Awareness day on Sept. 9th.
Alot of people spoke out. I wonder if people realize just how bad being affected in the womb, by alcohol, can be though?
You don’t normally see the disability in infants.
A child is born looking like cute normal usually, everyone thinks they are fine. Wow I got away with it. I drank and nothing happened to my baby.
I did not know that my kids were seriously damaged until they were in their teens.
I knew that they both had ADHD, and Jon had such severe problems always in school, but NO ONE would help me and I was the one sort of blamed for his behaviors.
I mean the thought crossed my mind that his behaviors were inherited some how and maybe drugs and alcohol affects, but I knew NOTHING apart from reading the Braided Cord book years ago, about fetal alcohol syndrome.
In the book, he described a son who was mentally retarded, wore diapers until later in life etc.
That wasn’t my Jon.
Schools are full of damaged kids that no one understands.
It wasn’t until Desi and Jon hit their teens that it got serious, they began to level out with their abilities and I got the message that they had this and spent so much time researching it.
So our world is raising kids that sometimes appear to be naughty little kids that are hyper, maybe have learning problems etc. and they JUST DON”T KNOW! Until later in life, just how bad this is.
They don’t go to college as expected. THey can’t hold down a job. They can’t take care of themselves properly. They end up with mental disorders, ADHD, and low executive functions. Often they need help for life!
When tested, most of these kids will fall in the delayed areas. They have memory damage that leaves them a life long shortage of ability to just organize their lives. I mean alzimers hits old people and they loose their memory and we all feel the grief of loss, but these kids live with this daily, all their lives.
Both Desi and Jon now need someone to help them manage their lives in a huge way. They just are not very able in many areas. Both of them are great young adults, but they were robbed of their future’s by their mom’s lack of understanding about drinking in during pregnancy.
Now Desi has met her birth brother. The story is on my website under Desi’s miracle.
He too has dealt with this and he knew all his life that something was wrong, but didn’t understand what was wrong. Joshua is a huge blessing in our lives now for Desi.
Close your eyes and picture self as a baby. You are born. Everyone just loves you. You are a sweet, adorable baby. You grow up to start school. All ready you have had more discipline issues then the average child. Maybe you didn’t potty train on time. Maybe you still wet the bed. Maybe you were often unable to control your emotions and you cried alot. You have no clue that you had a time bomb ticking inside you.
They sent you to school. You didn’t fit in so well there, but no one understood you and they tried to make you fit.
Complaints came home to your parents. Parents argued with teachers. Parents were blamed and therefore tried harder to get you to comply, be normal.
Soon your parents had you on an IEP. You were too hyper to learn. You often got hurt very easily and spouted off to teachers and other kids and you were blamed. You didn’t feel like you could help it, but you were blamed.
Home work was impossible, but your parents always tried to get you to do it. So your days were filled with stress of trying to do something that you could not do well. No one noticed that anything was really wrong though. No one connected the dots. You were just a hyper kid that couldn’t behave or learn well, so they were always on you.
Later in your school days, people started giving you medications to control your behaviors. By now you don’t feel so good about yourself. All the blaming has left you feeling like something is wrong with you for sure. But no one notices. To them, you are a troubled kid. You just don’t fit the norm. Maybe your parents don’t know how to raise you, they think. Maybe you just need some more discipline. Someone needs to shape you up for sure.
You begin to slip behind your peers. You spend lots of time in the principals office. A future criminal, some say.
Then it is high school time. By now you are emotionally around 10 when everyone else is growing up. You feel like a lost puppy at times.
You have tried your very best most of the time because you have learned that trying is all you got, but over shadowing trying is a brain that just can’t understand things alot of the time, can’t remember things most of the time and can’t put ideas to gether. You suffer from a lack of motivation and people call you lazy.
You don’t even know how to tell them that you are not that, because you have no real understanding of what lazy means. So more put downs land on your doorstep and crush your spirit some more.
Your lack of emotional controls are starting to loose touch with the lack of understanding from the rest of the world and soon you are firing off alot at people. This is a vicious cycle that is met with more pain and problems because now people are angry back at you often. Your world feels lonely and cold. You can’t sort all that out though, because your brain is so damaged that you don’t understand yourself at all, much less why everyone else is after you.
Eventually you get into trouble for taking stuff from others. You didn’t know for real that it was wrong. I mean you saw it, you liked it, you took it to use. Your brain didn’t connect that with any laws.
But someone is really giving it to you now. YOU STOLE. YOU BROKE THE LAW.
You find yourself in court and you have no explanation for it. Like a toddler that wants it, you just took it, because you wanted it. You didn’t mean to hurt anyone, but more people are making you feel like an inch tall because you are now a law breaker, a criminal.
How did you become a criminal? You were just born, this cute little baby that everyone thought was cute. You were fine. Life just went on.
HOW DID THIS ALL HAPPEN? You are a victim. You are a victim for life unless SOMEONE comes into your life, gets educated on FASD and helps you.
Someone needs to tell you what happened to you. They need to protect you from yourself at times. They need to advocate for you. They need to stand up for you, as you are not able to do it for yourself.
Someone needs to tell you that you are a good person. They need to tell others that you can’t help your behaviors, so that others don’t try to make you fit into the same mold as neuro typical kids. Others need to love you no matter what. They need to give you a safe place to vent your emotions. They need to listen you you more. They need to hold you when you cry and kick and scream.
You don’t know this yet, but your life is going to get stuck in your teens. You are maxing out what your brain can function at. You will still slowly be able to grow up, but you may always need that somebody for the rest of your life to help organize your life, for you. You may need them to remember things, help you manage time and money, and even to find clothes that fit you, since concept of sizes might not be there.
You will never be able to fly the nest totally. If you do, you could end up on the streets as homeless person. You just don’t understand how to pay bills and you are having a horrible time keeping a job. In fact you are late so often and seen as lazy on jobs, that you are fired over and over, even if you are able to get jobs.
If someone advocates for you, keeps track of time to go to work, tells you how to dress for work, helps keep your clothes organized so you can find them, well then you might hold down at least a part time job. However it costs alot more then that to live in this world. You are not making enough money. You are doing your best, but your best isn’t good enough.
So then you need someone to advocate for you again. You need disability services.
By now you have a long list of medical diagnosis and you need insurance to pay for the medications, but you are not able to manage a job that can pay for insurance.
So if you are one of the BLESSED ones with FASD, you have that help. If not, you are probably either on the streets by now or in jail. You are not alone though. There are tons more out there like you.
They had brith mom’s that were not given education either. They drank to cope with their lives and produced kids like you. You feel hopeless, helpless, sad, overwhelmed and you don’t have a future.
Yes you were a cute little baby, maybe even a fun little kid. Everyone thought you were fine. Everyone tried to make you fit into what a normal kid should be like.
It snowballed though. You didn’t fit and you could never fit. You have brain damage. Your birth mom drank during her pregnancy and sealed your fate.
 Do you really know how blessed you are? Your case is milder then many. It can be much worse. You could have been far more mentally delayed. Your symptoms could have shown up right away. You could have serious physical problems too, as alcohol is not a respecter of cells. It kills brain cells, but it also kills cells in other organs in the body. Yes you got off easy for having FASD. 
Please know that this is so REAL and is happening OFTEN. Just hear my heart. Nine months of abstinence from alcohol can give your child a chance at a normal life and not the one depicted above.
If you don’t think that will happen to your child? If you think you will have a cute baby. Read this again. Cute doesn’t make one’s brain healthy. Life long heat ache awaits your child if you pick up that drink.
No amount of alcohol is safe in pregnancy. NONE.
Do some escape it? Some have. It is like playing russian roulette. Alot won’t escape it and you won’t know if your child  will or not. You won’t know at birth most likely either. You might not know until they are half grown up. You won’t understand it even then, unless you get educated about FASD.
It breaks my heart that our world is IGNORING THIS! Alcohol is legal and we are damaging so many of our children because we just don’t KNOW.
Terry Quinn

Or what? I mean we are sadly overlooking a huge problem in our society and pretending that it doesn’t exist. In the meantime countless people,children and adults, are not understood, or helped in a manner that is needed.

We all need to be understood, don’t we? Imagine that no one ever tries to understand you. Imagine that no one even cares to understand you. You can’t understand yourself, and the world doesn’t try either. How unfortunate and helpless you would feel.

 That is what is going on with much of our FASD population. Doctors just are not getting educated and parents of such children are frustrated.

Why? Gosh, is this all about the stigma attached to FAS?  I mean we don’t want to offend birth mom’s who might have drank, so we ignore the problem?  Children all over are damaged and in huge need to be understood and helped. Yet parent after parent has tried to get diagnosis and help for their child with FASD and met with ignorance all over.

 I have begun to think that doctors get educated and maybe don’t really care about people, but like their job and their paycheck.

This can’t be ignored any more people!  These kids need services, diagnosis, help!!  We need to open our eyes and get educated on FASD. Kids are going to jail, committing suicide, suffering hugely in schools, etc. because we are not looking at the root cause of their problems and helping them to understand themselves. They need to know and understand what they are dealing with. They need someone to be on their side and stand with them.

 If doctors are going to be ignorant about this forever, then I say the blood of these children is on them. 

Today I took my daughter to a psychologist for some testing. We need her to be tested cognitively as she has some real issues that affect her life. Her psychiatrist thinks she is just fine and can go to college and be anything she wants to be. After all she has a normal IQ.

 Um, really? You don’t understand sir. Many kids with FASD have normal IQ’s, but fall woefully short on executive functioning that so totally affects their abilities to manage their lives on their own. 

 If doctors are just going to continue to ignore this and not educate themselves, eventually they will be taken over with kids that they can’t help. This is not going to stop happening just because we shut our eyes.

 Wake up doctor. Get yourself a little education on FASD.

So back to seeing that psychologist. He talked with my daughter for an entire hour and asked her if she knew why she was here. DUH? So he could test her! So instead he spends the hour asking her why she was here and telling her that she needs to talk over with me why she is here. He brought her out and told me that, and this girl was just totally confused.

Excuse me doctor. We are here so you can test her and tell us WHY WE ARE HERE! You need to figure out what my daughter’s executive function level is. You need to tell us where she is lacking and needs help.  Instead it looks like you are the one who needs the help. Let me give you some medicine. GET FASD 101 into your brain. Don’t stay ignorant on fetal alcohol syndrome. It is here. Kids are suffering. Find out about it. Learn how you can help these kids. PLEASE! Stop treating parents like they are the dummies.  Today it was YOU who proved yourself to be a college educated dummy.

 Just Sayin’

Lord send us a doctor with some brains please. Send us one who has taken the time to understand FASD.

Thank you.



So my daughter Desi has a new boyfriend. Last boyfriend is still terrorizing her phone. He was spoiled by mommy and daddy and the world revolved around him, so Desi had to also.

I was glad when she broke it off because her bipolar moods were OFF THE CHARTS. For the duration of the Max and Desi relationship, we had a whole lot of meltdowns and some got people hurt. The police were involved, I was held hostage on numerous occasions and well, it all just didn’t seem worth it to me! Sigh……

So she went a few months and no boyfriend and things were so peaceful. I liked the Desi that was just spending time with girlfriends.  She was calm and fun.

 Well a few weeks ago she met David.  Everything seemed to be going just fine with him for a while. I was settled into my heart that maybe she found someone calm enough for her.

Then I was on facebook today and saw this message on hers:

“U wonder why I get upset?? Well why don’t u look at the big picture buddy!!! U continue to keep doing the same thing over and over even after I asked you not to!! U might as well stick your middle finger up in my face cuz u obviously don’t care about my feelings!! Well u know what?? I’m done with the disrespect dude. Foreal.

“Well I am like, OMG! THat is the same type of stuff that she used to type to her last boyfriend. What is going on??????? I texted her and she said it was David.  She said she was fine.    FINE?   I am guessing that her “fine” and mine, don’t have the same definition.

 Oh dear, my mind is being attacked. I am remembering all the rages, police etc. with Max and now David?…………..I have to begin to think that it is much more then MAX OR DAVID, lol

These kids are so emotional and sensitive. Relationships are so hard for them. I am continuously seeing Jon and his girlfriend fighting on FB also. Usually jealousy. I try to tell them to let that stuff go. They love each other and it is not worth it. They are like two toddlers who want to own each other and not allow the other any freedom.

 I do think that FASD causes sensory seeking behavior. They have pain inside and adrenaline masks it. It can be like an antidepressant, so they create their own drama to get a “FIX”. Well the rest of us are not really in need of that fix and we are all wondering if we might get through this without a broken chair or a hole in the wall? 

  Oh LORD send strong and mighty angels to Desi and help her walk in a relationship with a little bit of peace?? If not for her sake, do it for mine! lol. Thanks!




I have to tell you all that when God came in and made a miracle happen for Jonathan, I got a new vision of who He is. We can’t always do it ourselves, and Jon and I needed a God who could help the helpless.

 He has done just that. Jon is doing fantastic now living with my oldest son.

I helped them move into their new apartment and on that day, my son came to me and hugged me so tight. He told me that he loved me and that he was sorry for all that he had done to stress me out.

He also talked about graduating and that they are all allowed to have a teacher that they pick whose hand they want to shake, on the stage. Jon asked me if I could come up and be that person, because I have been the best teacher he has ever had.

HEART MELT! Healing took place on that day and peace has abounded with Jon and I since. All I can do is praise God about it. It has increased my faith for miracles.

I have to say though, that my kids with FASD have taught me more then I have taught them. I have changed more then they have and I have learned something very powerful about our world through the experience of raising Desi and Jon.

 We are a helpless lot down here on earth and some of us are more so then others, but some of us think we are not until something happens and takes away our power, and then we know that we are.

  We all have sinned. As a Christian, I have always looked at the world as having a choice to sin or not. Man was I wrong. We are such weaklings. FASD creates even a larger weakness and people that have it sure need a God with a big amount of grace.

 People are not that filled with grace when it comes to others. People are much more filled with judgement. I can understand how most would not understand our kids. However I now know that there are so many more people in our world that need understanding, patience, love, forgiveness, and grace. FASD has taken away their ability to be the person that they were meant to be.  Even their mom who gave birth to them, didn’t have the grace or knowledge to prevent it. I sure am not given that place down here to judge one person who drinks during pregnancy. If anyone knew the truth about what it was really doing to their child, they would not have done it.  They don’t know. Some can’t even help themselves. Some are affected with FASD themselves and have become helpless addicts because of their own weakness.

  These people are your neighbors, co workers, and friends. They are in your churches, schools, and jails. They didn’t ask to have FASD and they struggle with it daily to keep themselves together. They just need love, but sadly often they end up more punished on this earth because they cannot manage their impulse controls or they have bit the same battle with drugs and alcohol because of their inner pain and turmoil.

 We need to stop looking at our world as black and white.  Everyone isn’t born with the same chance on this earth to choose right from wrong. We are so quick to call people stupid and idiots and dumb etc. We don’t even realize that a whole lot of folks out there do act that way, but they can’t help it. If they were given a choice, they sure would not have chosen this. They are not stupid, dumb or idiots. They have brain damage that happened when alcohol entered their warm cozy womb and intoxicated their brain. They could not metabolize it like an adult could and brain cells died, and didn’t recreate during that time. Holes were created in their brains, where cells were supposed to be. Then that part of their brain collapsed down. Wiring is disconnected and thought processes are hampered. Impulse control is usually so impaired in the FASD brain and to make a choice to not lie, steal etc. has been taken from them.

 We stand in judgement and say the liars and thieves have their place in hell and we are so wrong. There is a God with so much more grace then we realize. He looks down on these poor lost souls who can’t get it and He has mercy.  After all, He created our brains. He knows every little thing about our brains. If a brain can loose the right to choose right things, then God has to give that person what they need to help them choose right things.

 We often call this the exterior brain.

God has given my son an exterior brain and his name is Nathan, my second oldest son. God has seen to Jon’s very need to have someone who loves him and can help him make good choices for life.

 I praise Him for this as I know for a fact that there are lots of people with FASD on this earth that have not been so blessed. I have a heart wide open though to understand these people and love them. They need grace. They need understanding. They need someone in their corner that will accept them and not label them a bad person.

  The gift of love can only cone from God. It is a love that isn’t selfish and a love that sees to the heart of man. I know that God has given me a portion of that gift. Now I need to hand out grace to those that need it.

 Thank you God for showing me a whole population that is helpless and that you are the God of the helpless.

Thank you for that amazing grace that is here for every one of us. I sure love you Lord.

Does that sound crazy?  Not to me now. Here is what my IEP would state:

This parent has children with FASD and even though you don’t understand HER or HER KIDS, you have to treat her with kindness just the same.

You must believe that she is doing the best she can with her kids and what ever she tells you about her kids, IS THE TRUTH.

She is not making up stories ever. She is not just being a “Mother Bear”.

She is disciplining her children. She is not allowing them to get away with everything. Her children look bad sometimes, but they can’t always help it. No that is not an excuse. It is the truth.

So please be patient with her and always give her understanding. She is probably extremely stressed out. Never take her completely personally.


Where on earth did I come up with an idea like that?

Well I have gone years dealing with people who look at me like I either think I know more then them, OR I am babying my kids, OR I might be making up excuses for my kids, OR I need to take parenting classes, as I just don’t know how to parent my kids.

I am not understood often. WHY? Because people don’t understand my kids. They expect them to bring forth normal behavior as much as possible, all the time. If they don’t, they are lazy, inconsiderate, liars, mean or what ever along those lines.

My kids are human’s with FASD. Of course they can do things wrong like normal kids and miss the boat, but these kids will struggle far more with the same wrongs then a neuro typical kid will.

So here is my story.  On Friday this week, I had a chiropractor appointment. While at that appointment my daughter’s coach texted me that she was not there.

So I tried to call  Desi to see what was going on. NO ANSWER…….her phone just rang and rang. I knew that she would have walked home from school and had to walk back to the school for track.

We have just recently been going over some of the risks for girls that are taken for human trafficking.

So my mind begins to reel in concern, but not panic yet.

I go to run an errand and try to pace myself fast, so I can get home and see what might be going on.

Next the coach texts me and tells me that she can’t compete on Saturday because she didn’t show for practice.

I was ready to clobber him at that point. My goodness, I was worried that she was ok and he was getting his rules across.

I texted back and told him that I am not worried about the rules right now, but I am concerned for Desi’s life.

I keep trying to reach Desi. No answer.

I pay for my stuff, dash out to my van and try to slightly speed home.

I am praying all the while and redialing her phone. Nothing.

Horrible pictures are trying to attack my mind, but I push them out.

When I get home, there is Desi sound asleep.

DESI!! You are late for track!!!

Oh mom, I was so tired, I fell asleep. She tries to get her wits about her and get dressed for track. Of course she was tired. She had to do a whole lot of make up work that day in school, as I recently got in touch with her teachers to find out what she was behind on.

She also is tired alot with her own physical issues related to asthma.

So I rush her on and we run over to the field. I get out of the car to run over and talk to the coach.

In my mind, we are not that late, as it is just past 4:30 and I thought they practice until 6:30.

I try to see if she can compete, now that she is here. He is saying no.

I try to explain Desi to him. He is not listening.  In fact he is refuting the whole thing with “she has been in track for three years and she never did this before”. At this point, I am thinking, Right, I have always been there. My goodness, are you going to penalize this ONE MISTAKE?

He is angry that she didn’t call him. Well that is a no brainer, she was asleep.

He goes on and gets angry with me. I am trying to explain a bit about her disabilities and he is not listening at all.

Then he said rudely that “Ok she can compete, but if she does this again, she will be out of MULTIPLE competitions”.

I knew that wasn’t a good thing to put on her. One mistake and she will miss a ton of track? I just paid 150.00 the day before for her to do this. I don’t want her to miss a ton. My heart is breaking as this man who is normally so nice is not hearing my heart.

Where is the grace for a mistake?

He walks away. I call after him. “Are you angry with me?”

He states that he is angry at the situation.

Angry? Because she fell asleep and missed one track competition??

Desi wants to know what is going on, so I tell her. She says Mom, I am not going to compete.

So I tell the coach and we just leave. She is hurt and doesn’t want to continue in track.

I am hurt and don’t know why this man is so angry because my daughter was an hour late for a practice, because she wasn’t feeling well.

I have just gone through the mother fears about her life, ran home, hurried her to the field and then this.

We go home. I text him and try to explain why we are upset and I end my text with, I think parents of kids with disabilities should be able to have IEP’s so that people would just treat them with kindness even if they don’t GET IT!

Well in the end, this man did apologize to me, but he stuck by his rules.

We tried to just let it all go and she will be back in track on Monday and competing on Tuesday.

I want my IEP. I want people to accept what I tell them and believe me. I want the world to be kind to me, even if they don’t Get it about my kids.

Raising FASD kids is riddled with missunderstanding from outsiders. It is the story of my life really.  I am considered over parenting, or under parenting, or over protective, or babying my kids, or not disciplining them.  This sounds like I can’t win for loosing, doesn’t it?

FASD is an invisible disability that others see as behavior issues, immaturity, irresponsibility, lazy, and rebellious.

All kids can have a little of that, but these kids have extremes. They are not understood often and neither are their parents.

I know, I need to grow some thick skin, right? Gosh, I have been trying to, but when it comes to my kids, I just thin back out so easily.

I often state, I have nine children. I have raised the ones that do so well. They do not have FASD. Honestly, it is not me. I am giving this all I got.

Give me a break world or get me an IEP!!!

Someone wrote on an FASD board that a man with an autistic child hands out business cards that explain his children’s behaviors.

Maybe I should have done that a long time ago. Now my kids are adult, or near that and it would probably embarrass them.

I love my kids. Lord help the world to understand us. Thanks.

Jon has been gone for 11 days. I have been exhausted. I just collapsed basically, but I can feel myself pulling up some now. I feel like maybe I just came home from a war. Not a war that was won either, but one that just can’t be fought any more.

 Jon is now living with our second bio son, Nate. This was a miracle dropped right out of Heaven. Nate was moving at the end of the month and needed a room mate. They have been together now for a few days and all is going well so far. For Nate, this is just fine because Jon has disability and will be a reliable payee on the rent. It won’t bother Nate if Jon is smoking dope. He doesn’t care what his room mates do. He is treating Jon like an adult and allowing Jon to join in with all his friends. Jon is loving this because “chilling” with friends is what he likes to do. Some how that stimulation of having people around is what keeps him happy.

 I applied to the school to have Jon on home education for the rest of the year, so that he can graduate. We pick up his work at school and Nate is going to help him finish. He only has one class to pass and in special ed, all you gotta do is try and you can pass. I want to see him walk across that stadium and get his diploma. School has been very hard work from day one for Jon and I. We don’t want all that to be a waste.

 Jon is now off all medications and so far, he seems to be managing that too. He even appears to be loosing some weight, which is needed for him. He had gained way too much on his meds. That is the down fall of taking bipolar meds. However I am not settling in on that being a good thing yet. He isn’t in school, so no teachers to fight with, and he isn’t working, so no boss to please. Maybe without all those stressors, he can be ok.

I somehow feel empty though. I can’t fully explain it. I don’t feel lonely and we still have Desi here. She is doing great right now. So it isn’t an empty nest thing. It is more that I don’t have to watch constantly that everything is ok with Jon and having done that for so many years, it leaves me with an adjustment. Can you miss a bad thing? lol. I don’t think so, but there is change to get used to.

  We will never give up on Jon. I hope now that we can help him ever further while living outside our home. I hope that our relationship with him can deepen and grow more peaceful. It has never been that.

 I know that I felt like I almost gave up my life for Jon and though any mom would probably do that for her kid, I am not Jesus and not equipped to die for anyone. I have a lot of healing to do now to over come all these years of stress on my physical body. I know that God is at work and it feels good to know that I have a chance now to go forward and make progress that I can keep.

 Today I have been reflecting on our life with all the kids. Now maybe I can reach back and start blogging on our past a bit. Maybe some of the joyful moments can be brought back up. It sure has been a journey over 31 years. I was thinking tonight that in just two months, I will not ever have to think about grade cards again. Desi and Jon will both graduate. No more IEP meetings, teachers meetings, being mother bear over my child at school, or homework.

 That will be another adjustment. On to a new season. We are having two new grand babies in the fall. We sure enjoy the two grand sons that we have now. They are such a blessing.

Am I actually retiring? I didn’t dream that I could do that, lol. I will try. Let’s see how that goes.

Thank you Lord for keeping your strong angels with Jon. What a blessing you have done for us.

A friend had sent me this scripture before we found out that Jon and Nate would room together:

For He (the Lord) will deliver the needy when he cries
The poor also, and him who has no helper.
He will spare the poor and needy.
And He will save the souls of the needy.
He will redeem their life from oppression and violence.
Jon and I were both the needy and helpless. We both needed a miracle. We could do nothing and yet God did everything. Praise HIM!!

God just has to!!

We had no choice any more. We had to remove Jonathan from our home this week. He was stealing from us too much.

He got himself fired from his job last week also and we knew things were going to change after that. With Jon having money is everything. He tried everything to get more money from his account and tried to get his ID so he could sell his plasma. He was getting desperate and then he bullied me into my office and stole from my office and then manhandled me so that I could not get it away from him.

 The last day he was here, he broke into my husband’s locked storage and stole a nice set of his head phones. Then that night he took off with his friends about ten and never came back home. It was a school night.

Things were so out of control and I had just come through a horrible physical break from my adrenals due to the stress. I felt that if he was allowed to continue here, it was coming down to me or him. If I am not here, I won’t be helping his future and he would be on his own anyway.

This actually took alot of faith to do, but when we would not allow him back in after he was gone, I felt like a thousand pounds came off me. It was more that I felt constantly violated in my own house and I no longer have to feel that way.

 Jon has been at his druggie friends home all week and he got his last check from McDonalds. I told him to pay some rent to his friend.

He has begged me all week to come home, but I have stood firm. He is great at manipulating me really. I know that now. He will say that he has learned a big lesson. He should have listened to me, but it doesn’t last.

 He is not in school this week and of course that means that there is a chance he won’t graduate. That one was pretty hard for me, as I have spent all his school years plowing behind him and I wanted to see him walk across that stage and get a diploma.

 I have had to release all my hopes and dreams for Jon, up to God, who alone can help Jon now.

I felt so much peace and relief at first. I realized how badly I needed just some respite but there wasn’t anyone to give it to me. I was desperate. Our world doesn’t have the resources that FASD parents can reach out to. If your child has autism, you have someones compassion and services, but FASD is invisible and not very recognized. In fact more often then not, the parents of FASD kids are judged as bad parents, who caused their problems by not parenting them well.

  I am here to tell you that all the good parenting in the world does not always help if the child is as badly damaged as my son is.

My daughter, Desi, has FASD also and she is a joy. She is growing and learning and doing so well. She is not out having sex with boys or doing drugs. She is going to graduate in a few months.

 Desi needs our help too, but she isn’t like pouring sand into a bag with a hole in it, as Jon is. Her bag is filling up and over flowing and good is coming out.

 Of course marijuana is partly responsible for Jon’s down hill slide. It has taken away what little memory he had to begin with and lately he just seems some what empty.

 I cried out for help. I wrote to alot of people and told them that we were at our end. We could not do this any more. I found  out that when you are in that much of a crisis, no one even wants to respond. They don’t have answers either. So they don’t even write back.

  Now that the initial high of relief has worn off, I realize that I have been living in a war zone. I am having flash backs. If I go in Jon’s room, I almost get physically sick. I can hardly bear to have to see him right now at all.

 And yet I am also grieving. Grieving for all the lost dreams that I had for my son. Grieving for the fact that even still, there isn’t any help out there for him. He is basically homeless and I can’t fix that right now.

 I know that no one has the answers, but there is also a part of me that is sad that they all just ignored me. 

 So now it is time God! Time for a miracle for our family and Jon. I don’t have a clue how you can fix this, but I know that you are able. I stand here relying totally on YOU!  Keep Jon safe out there Lord. Send more then his share of angels to watch over him.

 I won’t give up on YOU Lord. You are all we have!!

Today was quite interesting. Today I feel like a huge weight has been removed from my shoulders and I passed a giant test. WOW FASD caregivers, I can share some good news for once, lol

If you read my last blog post, you know that Jon decided to quit his job. Well he has had three no shows and is now probably fired. I can’t get him to consider calling them to quit first, or anything, so he is fired.
Well this means that I no longer have to watch his time, get him out of bed and fight with him to get ready on time for work.
This means that there will be no longer any more fighting over how much money he gets for allowance, or why can’t he have HIS MONEY. etc.
There won’t be an allowance and of course less money to do drugs etc.
This actually takes a huge load off me.
He gets SSI and it will pay the rent and food and that is enough for him to make it. There is a bit left for deodorant etc.
I am happy with that. I don’t know what he will do with his time, but my only big concern is getting meds into him daily, and that is all I am responsible for.
THIS IS A HUGE LOAD OFF ME. No more to fight with him about (well that is probably an understatement, but you get what I mean, lol)
I am really relieved and I thought I would be upset if he lost his job.
Now if he gets a job, I am not going to be responsible for getting him there at all. He will have to just get himself there on time and he will have to walk or take a bus. I am DONE!! lol
BIG Relief to me. I MEAN HUGE!!
Well today I was hit with another test and I am happy to say I passed it with FLYING COLORS!! lol
Here is what this kid did:
He came to my room and acted all cutsie. “Ok mom, I think it is time I moved out on my own now.”
WHAT? You just got fired from your job and you are now moving on your own?????
“Yup, it is time.”  Well I am still recovering physically from the weekend and so I am too tired to spend too much time figuring all this out. I just thought he is going to try some things and find out etc.
I did ask him if he was planning to move in with Stephen his friend. He said yes. Well does Stephen have money for an apartment saved?
Yup mom………..well I know that Stephen doesn’t have any money, as he just started a temp job and prior to that, he sold his plasma for his weekly gas and dope. lol.
 OKAYYYY, so he heads out to find an apartment.
RINGGGGGG………..Hello………Mom do you still have an ID for me?
Um, yes you have a high school ID here. I am thinking that he needs that to get an apartment.
So he comes back home and I give him the ID and his meds. I am thinking ahead. He might not be home tonight. 🙂
Maybe 15 minutes later, Jon shows up again. He was so mad. 
THEY WOULD NOT GIVE ME ANY MONEY AT THE BANK!!!! THEY SAID MY ACCOUNT WAS EMPTY!!!!! *the bank is around the corner from our house, DUH, why didn’t I realize that the ID might be for the bank??*
I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT! After going to the bank this weekend and taking out 500.00 of his SSI money and all the upset that this caused, he was going to do it AGAIN?????????
Did he not get the text that I sent to him, JON! I have moved all the money out of your account. You will NEVER do this to us again!
Well if he got that text, his memory fails him.
So think about this. Here Jon was trying to get money out of the bank again. WHAT HE JUST DID LAST WEEKEND THAT I GOT SO UPSET ABOUT, besides the fact that he called the police on me and a whole lot more.
So temptation came across my path.  I could get angry all over again.  I started to, for just a minute………THEN I STOPPED!  NO WAY! I am not going to get angry. I am done with that pain. NO MORE SICKNESS for this mom. Please Lord let me not get angry any more. It is useless.
After I told him that I had removed the money and that he was no longer going to have bank privileges, he stated, “Well then, I am going to stay here”.  Um…………OK…….Ya think?  Maybe just maybe, he will appreciate having a home now and not think he has rights over me any more.
Ok, so he went to the bank to withdraw the rest of his money on the pretense of getting an apartment with his friend. Maybe he even thought he could get an apartment with his money. He would have no clue that the apartment company would look at the fact that he isn’t working and was just fired from his job. OR that it would cost probably close to a grand to get an apartment with the first months rent and deposit.
The truth?  I don’t think he was going for an apartment. I think he told me that as he planned to be gone for a few days on a spending spree!
I also think that this bank thing is why he quit working. When he saw money in the bank, I think he thought he was rich without a job. hehe.
So I had to chuckle. I won. I didn’t get angry. I passed the test. YEAH LORD!!!  I PASSED THE TEST!!!
I am so much more free now. Thank you Jesus!!!

YES you read that right. I have a serious life threatening illness and this week it hit bad. I didn’t think I was going to make it. I have adrenal insufficiency and my adrenals crashed so badly that is was an Addison’s crisis.

 The stress of this weekend with my son was horrific. After he called the police on me, on Friday, he proceeded to go to the bank and withdraw out 500 dollars from his SSI. The bank gave it to him without and ID!  I was shocked!

 Jon went on to spend that entire 500 dollars in two days and when he finally came home on Sunday, he could not remember what he spent it on, other then a huge tattoo on his arms.  He said he bought things and he could not remember what he bought, or where they were.

 He was so tired from not sleeping all weekend that I could not keep him awake to talk about it.

The entire weekend made me so upset. Well getting angry is very dangerous for me. It is a luxury that I just cannot afford.  It hurts my adrenals and I just can’t have it. When I woke up yesterday, I thought I was done for this earth.  I really did. It was scary. I had to take steroids, lots of sea salt and water and I have been in bed every since.

So that entire day, I meditated on Jon and what the Lord would have me to do about him. I wrote this letter to my friend:

I have prayed almost all day in my heart as I have worked to recover from this experience.
I have taken some steroids and lots of salt and water and am at the point of standing up and doing a little now.
I have meditated all day on all the possibilities here.
I believe I have a plan that is God’s plan, but it is not to change my son. It is to change ME!
I have thought over all the stuff that he does that makes me crazy.
I have thought over who I am as a person, and a mom.
Everything that we are going through with Jon, is so against all my learned parenting skills.
He steals from us, stealing is a sin to me and a violation, but in Jon’s mind, he just needs something, so he takes it.
He lies to us all the time, but in Jon’s mind, he doesn’t know what to say half the time and he figures he is always in trouble, or he can’t remember the answer, so he doesn’t speak the truth.
He never comes home on time because Jon lives in the moment and doesn’t understand time any more then a toddler.
He went through 500 dollars this weekend that he got at the bank. I am fixing that issue so he can’t do it again.
However when he came home, he had a tattoo, but could not tell you one thing that he spent that money on. He even bought things and didn’t know what they were or where they were.
He argues his points all the time.
He is determined to get his way all the time, even if his way is bad for him.
He is failing school in his last months of his senior year.
He is doing dope often when he can.
He cannot manage his life at all, other then being with his friends and his whole life is about Chillen” or sleeping.
This is my son. This is as deep as he gets. He could not ever go to any further schooling.
I do not know how he manages his job at Mcdonalds, other then the fact that I notice they always put him on the outdoors window and he probably talks to every customer that comes through, so he loves that social part of his job. He can joke all the time with people as he isn’t very deep in any conversation.
Anway, I realized that my militant beliefs about parenting and living for the Lord are what is taking ME DOWN.
I have to give up EVERYTHING That I believe about all of this.
I am stuck in this middle place. To the left is Jon on the streets and unable to care for himself and off his meds. He will loose his job, be dangerous to others without his meds and possibly dangerous to US.
He won’t leave our house alone, will beg us to come home all the time and probably land in jail.
To the right is Jon with all that he entails living at our house and making me sick if I continue to hold onto all my strong beliefs about what he should be doing.
So here is what I feel God wants me to do.
I give up.
I don’t get angry about any stealing. I just take his money and replace it.
I ignore his lies.
I don’t get mad if he is not home on time, but I did tell him if he can’t be home at 9 on weeknights, to stay with his friend for the night. That way he isn’t going to come in at all hours of the nights on week nights.
On weekends, I leave his window open and he can crawl in when he wants.
I no longer fight with him about money, or use that as any discipline. I simply give him his allowance and if he uses it for dope, ok.
90 percent of all kids with FASD are doing dope because they are medicating their selves. They have nerve damage and life irritates them all the time. Noise and light bother them. Dope calms them down.
He is not drinking, out stealing or committing any crimes that could put him in jail, but even if he went to jail, I have to give that up too.
If he dies out there, then that is his time to go.
If he does not graduate, then I have to say, it does not matter.
I mean, basically, I just have to make sure he has his medications daily and a place to sleep and NOT ALLOW ANYTHING ELSE concern me.
I have to change. I have to let this ALL GO!!!!!!!
If I don’t, then my life is in jeopardy and today was a huge wake up call.
I might need help with this. When something upsets me, I might shoot a vent email to you or my friends. I might ask a friend to pray with me to help me let it go.
I have no choice.
The big thing that I am going to do is go to the bank this week and have him sign over power of attorney of his pay checks. That way, he can’t take them all and go spend them, before paying his bills.
He got 500 dollars out of the bank on Friday withOUT an ID! The bank let him. I have to change the account to have to have two signatures on it. Then he cannot touch it.
He has ordered a bank card and called Mcdonalds to have his money stop being auto deposited. Pretty smart HUH for all else he is.
He likes money, but can’t handle it at all.
I told him that he cannot live here unless he lets me manage that, as it will make me very mad if he just spends his whole pay checks in a day and then has nothing left for his needs.
He does get disability, but if he lived on that alone, he could barely pay the rent and his phone and he would not have anything else.
I will make sure that all his needs are met and he has his allowance etc. BUT he won’t go through the money.
Do you see the wisdom in all of this?
I do, but I also see just how much I will surly need the Lord to walk it all out.
It is the only solution in my heart.
If I change, then living with Jon won’t be so hard.
Mike and I talked it all over tonight and we are both going to try and move in this.
Your prayers have help me sort this out in my heart.
So now I need all my FASD caregiver friends to help me “just say no” to anger about my child.
If you have figured the secret out to this, tell me your secret, lol
Today Jon called me before his work. He said he was quitting his job.  OMG!  Ok Jon, this was my first test. I told him he could do that if he wants.
 He is like, well I don’t feel like going to work today.  OK………who does? lol. 
He didn’t go, he did not call to quit yet, but I know he is written up and might be fired.
I have to say “what ever”. oh wait, this means I don’t have to take him to work any more and this means I don’t have to watch for HIS TIME any more. I am Jon’s clock, lol.  So no more arguing with him about getting up in time to go to work.
OH YES, this means also that Jon will no longer have any more money to spend on dope. Well YIPPEEEE!! 
Ok, LORD! So this could be a good thing. I let it go. I said I was not going to worry about his job, graduation, etc.
My goodness, letting go does feel good. I am not angry at all. WOW!  How did I do that ?
Then at 3 oclock, Jon calls and asks me for a ride from his friends home. I am like, um Jon? I don’t give you rides from your friends. Your friends do that. I am not your taxi. 
 He is like, well it is the same as going to work.  OH YES, but you don’t go to work any more, so I don’t have to do this, lol.
So Jon states, Well then I won’t be home before 9 tonight then.
I am like, Ok Jon, then stay with your friend. That is OK. 
Wow, where is this coming from? I don’t care? I can’t care. I can’t get angry. If I do, I don’t get to live. It is Jon or me here. I want to live, so I must stop caring about what happens to Jon.  I am letting go. WOW!! Baby steps.
Thank you Lord that I had victory today!!! 
One day at a time with the help of my Lord and my wonderful friends with experience.  Praise God!

Yes!  That is what happened today. Mike and I are discussing whether or not, we need to get an eviction on Jon now.

 Here is the story. Jon is doing dope. Of course you all know that, as I have written many  times before about that. FASD has given his brain enough damage so that he does not make positive choices for himself.

He is currently on the edge of not graduating high school with only  three months to go, due to this stuff called DOPE! 

This mother bear has worked her tail off to get this kid through school all these years. I can’t begin to tell you what it has been like to help a son with FASD get through school

There has been so many calls from the schools over the years for disruptive behavior, fights for IEPS and help, constant discipline at school, teacher complaints, teachers giving up, suspensions on a regular basis, and even a felon on a teacher in high school.

 Now we are three months from the end of this tremendous trial and Jon is giving up because of the drugs that are out there. 

 We have tired every possible thing to get this kid free from this.

We have fined him for it.

We have kicked him out and he comes back like a helpless puppy needing our help and he does need our help.

We have tried lock down and he snuck out the windows at night.

We have tried giving him all his freedom and allowances etc. and he started coming home stoned.

 Now we are trying a new thing. We have stopped giving him money, so that he can’t purchase any of this stuff. We feel that we are enabling him that way.

 So now Jon wants to go get an ID so he can sell his plasma for dope money. I refuse to give him his birth certificate and social card so that he can go do that.

 Ok, so today Jon calls 911 on me. He tells the police that I won’t give him his social card and birth certificate. Well I planned ahead just a bit before they arrived and I called my lawyer. I found out that those documents are MINE and if he wants those documents he has to go downtown and file to get his own.

 He probably does not realize yet that those will cost him some money that he won’t have to pay for them.

Here is what happened though. The officers asked me why was I hanging in there with this son of mine who obviously didn’t want to do anything right? They told me that I am enabling him to do these drugs and I need to go downtown and file an eviction on him to get him out of my house.

Then if he comes back here, he is their problem.

OK PARENTS OF FASD KIDS, What would you do???  Would you continue to help your son graduate? Would you kick him to the streets? I would love it if you would share how you might handle this.

Please don’t tell me what I should do.  I am going to go to my heavenly Father and pray about what I should do.  However I would love to know what you would do if you were in my position. Maybe I can learn from you.

I even asked the officer. “Would you put your son out if he was mentally disabled?”  He said no. Then he looked at the ground, as in that moment, he knew my helplessness. 

After the officers left, Jon came to my door and rang the bell over and over. I asked him what he wanted, as I was uncertain how he was going to behave after that, and not sure I should let him in the house. He said he wanted to get his stuff. Ok legally he can get his stuff.

 He came in the house, ran upstairs where my office was, and began tearing stuff out of my desk. He found a copy of his social, which also had copies of all my family socials and he took it. I tried to get it from his hands and he man handled me, which was abuse to me.

My lawyer was on the phone through all of this and I knew that if I called the police at that moment, I could have had my son arrested for what he did.

He used lots of choice language and went down stairs and cut his part out.

I have endured physical stuff from this kid, emotional agony, and I can honestly tell you that there has never been any real joy in raising Jonathan. 

Does this sound sad? I guess maybe I enjoyed watching him in sports etc., but all the pain that has been there through every day with severe ODD behaviors, are mostly what I have on record in my memory box.

It has always been work and hardship. I bet other parents of FASD kids can identify.

I know what joy in raising a child is, as I have nine total and I have been very blessed with my children. I know that I love Jon with every bit of my heart even though I have had all this hardship.

 Countless nights, Jon has kept me up with this mess. Countless nights he comes home late with red eyes and smelling. Countless days, I try to help him continue in school. Countless days I am badgered by my son, his anger and bad language.

 I keep doing this because I know my son did not choose to be brain damaged. He is unable to live on his own. He doesn’t know how to manage time and get to work. He does not know how to remember to take his meds daily. He doesn’t realize the consequences of his actions.

 He didn’t make the choice to be born so damaged.

 Do I toss him to the streets?

I have never been one to give up on anything or anyone.  I won’t give up on Jon, but putting him out, might not be giving up. I am not sure yet.

Lord, you have a plan for my son. I know that and the plan isn’t for the streets and dope.

You have a hope and a future for my son and the enemy of our souls cannot have my son.

Lord once again, send out the very strongest of angels and minister to my son. Show him how much you love him.  Thank you Lord. You are so good to me.

No Drinking in Utero-NO FASD


By the worlds standards, my son is grown up.

He’s an adult, but his life was messed up.


It all began when his birth mom, didn’t know

that alcohol in pregnancy, could damage him so.


Now he can’t understand, what is so wrong

He wants to feel like an adult. just to belong


He can’t manage time, money or bills

He can’t remember daily, to take his pills.


He does not know how to listen, or hear

what could help him each day, for he has no fear


of the dangers that lie just waiting for him

to reach out and grab him and take him in.


Risk taking is regular, in his life

and he loves to argue, his point in strife


As his adopted mom, we chose him

what the future held for us, was very dim.


We didn’t realize at the time, that our son

would have problems in life, that could not be undone.


Now we grieve, what he cannot be

because our son has FASD.


What is that? Would you like to know?

How did alcohol, damage him so?


Well you see, little babies cannot drink

intoxication for them is the very link


It pickles their tiny, wee little brains

and causes cells to die, growth looses gains


Each time it happens, the brain shrinks down

and looses impulses, that carry messages around


Soon the routes for thoughts do not work right

this poor child’s life, becomes a great fight


Many say, he’s so bad and not right

they think he is angry and not very bright.


If he only would listen and learn what to do

All would be well, yes we will fix you.


Not going to happen with this child you see.

His brain is damaged, He has FASD.


So life goes on for my son each day.

He tries to do right, but there seems no way.


He cannot connect, what he needs to grow

He will always be lagging, and struggling so.


Managing a job, is a task he can’t do

He needs an aid in life, someone just to,


Keep him on, the right path each day

An overwhelming task, I just want to say.


My child needs help, for his life to be

safe from bad choices, that he doesn’t see


Can put him in danger, jail, or the grave.

He does not realize, how to behave.


I want to tell you, that this is not right.

If you will just listen, please open your sight.


This can all be prevented, if you will see.

No drinking in utero, No FASD.


By Terry Quinn


Posted: February 1, 2012 in 2012, Raising Hearts, UNRULY??

That is what  the gentleman from DD services called my son today.

I have not shared all that we have been through, as I sometimes feel that I get tired of repeating the same old stuff.
We have had a long string of challenges with Jonathan. He isn’t accepted by too many friends and the ones that do accept him, don’t seem to have their lives too together either. Most of them are doing drugs.
Jon does not have cash in hand to do this stuff, but it appears that his friends are only too glad to share and enable him.
We have tried to put him on lock down for a while to stay away from his enabling friends and stay clean for a while.
It is not working well at all.
Jon escaped out his window on Saturday and left for the whole day. He left his phone at home so I could not track him.
Then on Sunday he walked right out of the house, in front of us, and took off with a kid that we know is doing dope.
THat night my husband was so upset that he threw his clothes out.
We were just in shock that Jon just left when we told him not to. We feel helpless to stop his behavior at all.
Of course it was not long before he was begging me to come and pick him up, as he left without a jacket and wanted back in the house.
We just throw up our hands into the air and say “we give up”.
On Monday, with advice from Jon’s teacher, I called DD services to see if we might qualify for their respite services. We were spent totally, emotionally and physically. Couldn’t someone help us? Just take Jon for a few days so that we could breath?
They did send me paperwork out to fill out and see if we can qualify for respite care.
The case manager called me today and talked to me, since I had stated that we had a family emergency.
Since Jon does not have an official diagnosis of FASD, his conversation to me wasn’t the best.
He called my son “UNRULY” and told me that they can’t help him. He said that since Jon was still under a FCCS subsidy, that we have an open case with FCCS and we should contact them to get us help.
Well I  am not sure that this is a real open case. We get subsidy for his adoption that ends when he graduates, but he is not a foster child. If we call FCCS, then we are the ones who will be investigated and I am not fond of doing that. I have nothing to hide, but just don’t like them in our business. I still have one minor in the house who has had some pretty big issues, as she also has FASD.
We talked for a few more minutes and I could see pretty plain that this man did not understand FASD at all. He told me that Jon’s next step was conduct disorder and well I have been down that path before when he was kicked out of school, and got a felony for slamming a door on a teacher etc. He had to attend this special Buckey Boys Ranch school for the rest of the year and they told him the same thing. They practically told him he was headed to jail.
Nothing anyone tells Jon makes a difference. He has brain damage. You can’t tell brain damage to change. He needs a miracle from God for that to happen.
Jon might be unruly to some people, but honestly the term bugs me quite a bit.
It bugs me because Jon doesn’t want to do what he does, or be who he is.
Jon does not know how to stop being Jon.
 It is a weird place to be in when you can see the disability side of stuff and you can’t stand the kid you are living with, but you love him so much that you can’t deal with anyone else calling him names.
I have decided to take a chance on children’s hospital genetics clinic and see if I can possibly get Jon diagnosed with FASD. I don’t know what measurements that they use. Maybe he has some facial stuff that I can’t see. AA kids don’t have thin upper lips in general.
 Jon has absolutely every symptom of FASD and to almost the deepest level. He might not be MR yet, but he is close and in some ways worse. He needs an external brain to take care of him 24/7 and this is for the rest of his life.
  Even his newly opened case with SSI and SSDI has the statement that he has to be reevaluated in three years in case he is no longer disabled.
Would that all parents of FASD kids could see that happen. It sure would give us some hope, wouldn’t it?
 FASD is an invisible disability. If Jon were in a wheel chair, people would bend over back wards to help him. Instead he has brain damage that people can’t see on the outside and what they do see, they interpret as unruly. 😦
AS it is, we don’t know where we are going most of the time or how we are going to get there. I don’t know how people do it that don’t know the Lord. I would sink into a hole and never want to come out. I know that God always has an answer and even though it looks really bleak right now, there is an answer for Jon’s future.
The Lord says in the Bible that He knows the plans He has for us. Plans for Good and NOT for evil. Plans to give us an expected end.
We are claiming that for Jon. Plans for GOOD!!  Only God can make help Jon right now. We are expecting. It has been too long with all this pain. It is time for some Joy. 
Lord send us JOY!  Send the strong angels out to care for Jon every day and send all the Joy that you can, with them. Thanks.