Archive for the ‘2012’ Category

This month we celebrated FASD Awareness day on Sept. 9th.
Alot of people spoke out. I wonder if people realize just how bad being affected in the womb, by alcohol, can be though?
You don’t normally see the disability in infants.
A child is born looking like cute normal usually, everyone thinks they are fine. Wow I got away with it. I drank and nothing happened to my baby.
I did not know that my kids were seriously damaged until they were in their teens.
I knew that they both had ADHD, and Jon had such severe problems always in school, but NO ONE would help me and I was the one sort of blamed for his behaviors.
I mean the thought crossed my mind that his behaviors were inherited some how and maybe drugs and alcohol affects, but I knew NOTHING apart from reading the Braided Cord book years ago, about fetal alcohol syndrome.
In the book, he described a son who was mentally retarded, wore diapers until later in life etc.
That wasn’t my Jon.
Schools are full of damaged kids that no one understands.
It wasn’t until Desi and Jon hit their teens that it got serious, they began to level out with their abilities and I got the message that they had this and spent so much time researching it.
So our world is raising kids that sometimes appear to be naughty little kids that are hyper, maybe have learning problems etc. and they JUST DON”T KNOW! Until later in life, just how bad this is.
They don’t go to college as expected. THey can’t hold down a job. They can’t take care of themselves properly. They end up with mental disorders, ADHD, and low executive functions. Often they need help for life!
When tested, most of these kids will fall in the delayed areas. They have memory damage that leaves them a life long shortage of ability to just organize their lives. I mean alzimers hits old people and they loose their memory and we all feel the grief of loss, but these kids live with this daily, all their lives.
Both Desi and Jon now need someone to help them manage their lives in a huge way. They just are not very able in many areas. Both of them are great young adults, but they were robbed of their future’s by their mom’s lack of understanding about drinking in during pregnancy.
Now Desi has met her birth brother. The story is on my website under Desi’s miracle.
He too has dealt with this and he knew all his life that something was wrong, but didn’t understand what was wrong. Joshua is a huge blessing in our lives now for Desi.
Close your eyes and picture self as a baby. You are born. Everyone just loves you. You are a sweet, adorable baby. You grow up to start school. All ready you have had more discipline issues then the average child. Maybe you didn’t potty train on time. Maybe you still wet the bed. Maybe you were often unable to control your emotions and you cried alot. You have no clue that you had a time bomb ticking inside you.
They sent you to school. You didn’t fit in so well there, but no one understood you and they tried to make you fit.
Complaints came home to your parents. Parents argued with teachers. Parents were blamed and therefore tried harder to get you to comply, be normal.
Soon your parents had you on an IEP. You were too hyper to learn. You often got hurt very easily and spouted off to teachers and other kids and you were blamed. You didn’t feel like you could help it, but you were blamed.
Home work was impossible, but your parents always tried to get you to do it. So your days were filled with stress of trying to do something that you could not do well. No one noticed that anything was really wrong though. No one connected the dots. You were just a hyper kid that couldn’t behave or learn well, so they were always on you.
Later in your school days, people started giving you medications to control your behaviors. By now you don’t feel so good about yourself. All the blaming has left you feeling like something is wrong with you for sure. But no one notices. To them, you are a troubled kid. You just don’t fit the norm. Maybe your parents don’t know how to raise you, they think. Maybe you just need some more discipline. Someone needs to shape you up for sure.
You begin to slip behind your peers. You spend lots of time in the principals office. A future criminal, some say.
Then it is high school time. By now you are emotionally around 10 when everyone else is growing up. You feel like a lost puppy at times.
You have tried your very best most of the time because you have learned that trying is all you got, but over shadowing trying is a brain that just can’t understand things alot of the time, can’t remember things most of the time and can’t put ideas to gether. You suffer from a lack of motivation and people call you lazy.
You don’t even know how to tell them that you are not that, because you have no real understanding of what lazy means. So more put downs land on your doorstep and crush your spirit some more.
Your lack of emotional controls are starting to loose touch with the lack of understanding from the rest of the world and soon you are firing off alot at people. This is a vicious cycle that is met with more pain and problems because now people are angry back at you often. Your world feels lonely and cold. You can’t sort all that out though, because your brain is so damaged that you don’t understand yourself at all, much less why everyone else is after you.
Eventually you get into trouble for taking stuff from others. You didn’t know for real that it was wrong. I mean you saw it, you liked it, you took it to use. Your brain didn’t connect that with any laws.
But someone is really giving it to you now. YOU STOLE. YOU BROKE THE LAW.
You find yourself in court and you have no explanation for it. Like a toddler that wants it, you just took it, because you wanted it. You didn’t mean to hurt anyone, but more people are making you feel like an inch tall because you are now a law breaker, a criminal.
How did you become a criminal? You were just born, this cute little baby that everyone thought was cute. You were fine. Life just went on.
HOW DID THIS ALL HAPPEN? You are a victim. You are a victim for life unless SOMEONE comes into your life, gets educated on FASD and helps you.
Someone needs to tell you what happened to you. They need to protect you from yourself at times. They need to advocate for you. They need to stand up for you, as you are not able to do it for yourself.
Someone needs to tell you that you are a good person. They need to tell others that you can’t help your behaviors, so that others don’t try to make you fit into the same mold as neuro typical kids. Others need to love you no matter what. They need to give you a safe place to vent your emotions. They need to listen you you more. They need to hold you when you cry and kick and scream.
You don’t know this yet, but your life is going to get stuck in your teens. You are maxing out what your brain can function at. You will still slowly be able to grow up, but you may always need that somebody for the rest of your life to help organize your life, for you. You may need them to remember things, help you manage time and money, and even to find clothes that fit you, since concept of sizes might not be there.
You will never be able to fly the nest totally. If you do, you could end up on the streets as homeless person. You just don’t understand how to pay bills and you are having a horrible time keeping a job. In fact you are late so often and seen as lazy on jobs, that you are fired over and over, even if you are able to get jobs.
If someone advocates for you, keeps track of time to go to work, tells you how to dress for work, helps keep your clothes organized so you can find them, well then you might hold down at least a part time job. However it costs alot more then that to live in this world. You are not making enough money. You are doing your best, but your best isn’t good enough.
So then you need someone to advocate for you again. You need disability services.
By now you have a long list of medical diagnosis and you need insurance to pay for the medications, but you are not able to manage a job that can pay for insurance.
So if you are one of the BLESSED ones with FASD, you have that help. If not, you are probably either on the streets by now or in jail. You are not alone though. There are tons more out there like you.
They had brith mom’s that were not given education either. They drank to cope with their lives and produced kids like you. You feel hopeless, helpless, sad, overwhelmed and you don’t have a future.
Yes you were a cute little baby, maybe even a fun little kid. Everyone thought you were fine. Everyone tried to make you fit into what a normal kid should be like.
It snowballed though. You didn’t fit and you could never fit. You have brain damage. Your birth mom drank during her pregnancy and sealed your fate.
 Do you really know how blessed you are? Your case is milder then many. It can be much worse. You could have been far more mentally delayed. Your symptoms could have shown up right away. You could have serious physical problems too, as alcohol is not a respecter of cells. It kills brain cells, but it also kills cells in other organs in the body. Yes you got off easy for having FASD. 
Please know that this is so REAL and is happening OFTEN. Just hear my heart. Nine months of abstinence from alcohol can give your child a chance at a normal life and not the one depicted above.
If you don’t think that will happen to your child? If you think you will have a cute baby. Read this again. Cute doesn’t make one’s brain healthy. Life long heat ache awaits your child if you pick up that drink.
No amount of alcohol is safe in pregnancy. NONE.
Do some escape it? Some have. It is like playing russian roulette. Alot won’t escape it and you won’t know if your child  will or not. You won’t know at birth most likely either. You might not know until they are half grown up. You won’t understand it even then, unless you get educated about FASD.
It breaks my heart that our world is IGNORING THIS! Alcohol is legal and we are damaging so many of our children because we just don’t KNOW.
Terry Quinn

Or what? I mean we are sadly overlooking a huge problem in our society and pretending that it doesn’t exist. In the meantime countless people,children and adults, are not understood, or helped in a manner that is needed.

We all need to be understood, don’t we? Imagine that no one ever tries to understand you. Imagine that no one even cares to understand you. You can’t understand yourself, and the world doesn’t try either. How unfortunate and helpless you would feel.

 That is what is going on with much of our FASD population. Doctors just are not getting educated and parents of such children are frustrated.

Why? Gosh, is this all about the stigma attached to FAS?  I mean we don’t want to offend birth mom’s who might have drank, so we ignore the problem?  Children all over are damaged and in huge need to be understood and helped. Yet parent after parent has tried to get diagnosis and help for their child with FASD and met with ignorance all over.

 I have begun to think that doctors get educated and maybe don’t really care about people, but like their job and their paycheck.

This can’t be ignored any more people!  These kids need services, diagnosis, help!!  We need to open our eyes and get educated on FASD. Kids are going to jail, committing suicide, suffering hugely in schools, etc. because we are not looking at the root cause of their problems and helping them to understand themselves. They need to know and understand what they are dealing with. They need someone to be on their side and stand with them.

 If doctors are going to be ignorant about this forever, then I say the blood of these children is on them. 

Today I took my daughter to a psychologist for some testing. We need her to be tested cognitively as she has some real issues that affect her life. Her psychiatrist thinks she is just fine and can go to college and be anything she wants to be. After all she has a normal IQ.

 Um, really? You don’t understand sir. Many kids with FASD have normal IQ’s, but fall woefully short on executive functioning that so totally affects their abilities to manage their lives on their own. 

 If doctors are just going to continue to ignore this and not educate themselves, eventually they will be taken over with kids that they can’t help. This is not going to stop happening just because we shut our eyes.

 Wake up doctor. Get yourself a little education on FASD.

So back to seeing that psychologist. He talked with my daughter for an entire hour and asked her if she knew why she was here. DUH? So he could test her! So instead he spends the hour asking her why she was here and telling her that she needs to talk over with me why she is here. He brought her out and told me that, and this girl was just totally confused.

Excuse me doctor. We are here so you can test her and tell us WHY WE ARE HERE! You need to figure out what my daughter’s executive function level is. You need to tell us where she is lacking and needs help.  Instead it looks like you are the one who needs the help. Let me give you some medicine. GET FASD 101 into your brain. Don’t stay ignorant on fetal alcohol syndrome. It is here. Kids are suffering. Find out about it. Learn how you can help these kids. PLEASE! Stop treating parents like they are the dummies.  Today it was YOU who proved yourself to be a college educated dummy.

 Just Sayin’

Lord send us a doctor with some brains please. Send us one who has taken the time to understand FASD.

Thank you.



So my daughter Desi has a new boyfriend. Last boyfriend is still terrorizing her phone. He was spoiled by mommy and daddy and the world revolved around him, so Desi had to also.

I was glad when she broke it off because her bipolar moods were OFF THE CHARTS. For the duration of the Max and Desi relationship, we had a whole lot of meltdowns and some got people hurt. The police were involved, I was held hostage on numerous occasions and well, it all just didn’t seem worth it to me! Sigh……

So she went a few months and no boyfriend and things were so peaceful. I liked the Desi that was just spending time with girlfriends.  She was calm and fun.

 Well a few weeks ago she met David.  Everything seemed to be going just fine with him for a while. I was settled into my heart that maybe she found someone calm enough for her.

Then I was on facebook today and saw this message on hers:

“U wonder why I get upset?? Well why don’t u look at the big picture buddy!!! U continue to keep doing the same thing over and over even after I asked you not to!! U might as well stick your middle finger up in my face cuz u obviously don’t care about my feelings!! Well u know what?? I’m done with the disrespect dude. Foreal.

“Well I am like, OMG! THat is the same type of stuff that she used to type to her last boyfriend. What is going on??????? I texted her and she said it was David.  She said she was fine.    FINE?   I am guessing that her “fine” and mine, don’t have the same definition.

 Oh dear, my mind is being attacked. I am remembering all the rages, police etc. with Max and now David?…………..I have to begin to think that it is much more then MAX OR DAVID, lol

These kids are so emotional and sensitive. Relationships are so hard for them. I am continuously seeing Jon and his girlfriend fighting on FB also. Usually jealousy. I try to tell them to let that stuff go. They love each other and it is not worth it. They are like two toddlers who want to own each other and not allow the other any freedom.

 I do think that FASD causes sensory seeking behavior. They have pain inside and adrenaline masks it. It can be like an antidepressant, so they create their own drama to get a “FIX”. Well the rest of us are not really in need of that fix and we are all wondering if we might get through this without a broken chair or a hole in the wall? 

  Oh LORD send strong and mighty angels to Desi and help her walk in a relationship with a little bit of peace?? If not for her sake, do it for mine! lol. Thanks!




I have to tell you all that when God came in and made a miracle happen for Jonathan, I got a new vision of who He is. We can’t always do it ourselves, and Jon and I needed a God who could help the helpless.

 He has done just that. Jon is doing fantastic now living with my oldest son.

I helped them move into their new apartment and on that day, my son came to me and hugged me so tight. He told me that he loved me and that he was sorry for all that he had done to stress me out.

He also talked about graduating and that they are all allowed to have a teacher that they pick whose hand they want to shake, on the stage. Jon asked me if I could come up and be that person, because I have been the best teacher he has ever had.

HEART MELT! Healing took place on that day and peace has abounded with Jon and I since. All I can do is praise God about it. It has increased my faith for miracles.

I have to say though, that my kids with FASD have taught me more then I have taught them. I have changed more then they have and I have learned something very powerful about our world through the experience of raising Desi and Jon.

 We are a helpless lot down here on earth and some of us are more so then others, but some of us think we are not until something happens and takes away our power, and then we know that we are.

  We all have sinned. As a Christian, I have always looked at the world as having a choice to sin or not. Man was I wrong. We are such weaklings. FASD creates even a larger weakness and people that have it sure need a God with a big amount of grace.

 People are not that filled with grace when it comes to others. People are much more filled with judgement. I can understand how most would not understand our kids. However I now know that there are so many more people in our world that need understanding, patience, love, forgiveness, and grace. FASD has taken away their ability to be the person that they were meant to be.  Even their mom who gave birth to them, didn’t have the grace or knowledge to prevent it. I sure am not given that place down here to judge one person who drinks during pregnancy. If anyone knew the truth about what it was really doing to their child, they would not have done it.  They don’t know. Some can’t even help themselves. Some are affected with FASD themselves and have become helpless addicts because of their own weakness.

  These people are your neighbors, co workers, and friends. They are in your churches, schools, and jails. They didn’t ask to have FASD and they struggle with it daily to keep themselves together. They just need love, but sadly often they end up more punished on this earth because they cannot manage their impulse controls or they have bit the same battle with drugs and alcohol because of their inner pain and turmoil.

 We need to stop looking at our world as black and white.  Everyone isn’t born with the same chance on this earth to choose right from wrong. We are so quick to call people stupid and idiots and dumb etc. We don’t even realize that a whole lot of folks out there do act that way, but they can’t help it. If they were given a choice, they sure would not have chosen this. They are not stupid, dumb or idiots. They have brain damage that happened when alcohol entered their warm cozy womb and intoxicated their brain. They could not metabolize it like an adult could and brain cells died, and didn’t recreate during that time. Holes were created in their brains, where cells were supposed to be. Then that part of their brain collapsed down. Wiring is disconnected and thought processes are hampered. Impulse control is usually so impaired in the FASD brain and to make a choice to not lie, steal etc. has been taken from them.

 We stand in judgement and say the liars and thieves have their place in hell and we are so wrong. There is a God with so much more grace then we realize. He looks down on these poor lost souls who can’t get it and He has mercy.  After all, He created our brains. He knows every little thing about our brains. If a brain can loose the right to choose right things, then God has to give that person what they need to help them choose right things.

 We often call this the exterior brain.

God has given my son an exterior brain and his name is Nathan, my second oldest son. God has seen to Jon’s very need to have someone who loves him and can help him make good choices for life.

 I praise Him for this as I know for a fact that there are lots of people with FASD on this earth that have not been so blessed. I have a heart wide open though to understand these people and love them. They need grace. They need understanding. They need someone in their corner that will accept them and not label them a bad person.

  The gift of love can only cone from God. It is a love that isn’t selfish and a love that sees to the heart of man. I know that God has given me a portion of that gift. Now I need to hand out grace to those that need it.

 Thank you God for showing me a whole population that is helpless and that you are the God of the helpless.

Thank you for that amazing grace that is here for every one of us. I sure love you Lord.

Does that sound crazy?  Not to me now. Here is what my IEP would state:

This parent has children with FASD and even though you don’t understand HER or HER KIDS, you have to treat her with kindness just the same.

You must believe that she is doing the best she can with her kids and what ever she tells you about her kids, IS THE TRUTH.

She is not making up stories ever. She is not just being a “Mother Bear”.

She is disciplining her children. She is not allowing them to get away with everything. Her children look bad sometimes, but they can’t always help it. No that is not an excuse. It is the truth.

So please be patient with her and always give her understanding. She is probably extremely stressed out. Never take her completely personally.


Where on earth did I come up with an idea like that?

Well I have gone years dealing with people who look at me like I either think I know more then them, OR I am babying my kids, OR I might be making up excuses for my kids, OR I need to take parenting classes, as I just don’t know how to parent my kids.

I am not understood often. WHY? Because people don’t understand my kids. They expect them to bring forth normal behavior as much as possible, all the time. If they don’t, they are lazy, inconsiderate, liars, mean or what ever along those lines.

My kids are human’s with FASD. Of course they can do things wrong like normal kids and miss the boat, but these kids will struggle far more with the same wrongs then a neuro typical kid will.

So here is my story.  On Friday this week, I had a chiropractor appointment. While at that appointment my daughter’s coach texted me that she was not there.

So I tried to call  Desi to see what was going on. NO ANSWER…….her phone just rang and rang. I knew that she would have walked home from school and had to walk back to the school for track.

We have just recently been going over some of the risks for girls that are taken for human trafficking.

So my mind begins to reel in concern, but not panic yet.

I go to run an errand and try to pace myself fast, so I can get home and see what might be going on.

Next the coach texts me and tells me that she can’t compete on Saturday because she didn’t show for practice.

I was ready to clobber him at that point. My goodness, I was worried that she was ok and he was getting his rules across.

I texted back and told him that I am not worried about the rules right now, but I am concerned for Desi’s life.

I keep trying to reach Desi. No answer.

I pay for my stuff, dash out to my van and try to slightly speed home.

I am praying all the while and redialing her phone. Nothing.

Horrible pictures are trying to attack my mind, but I push them out.

When I get home, there is Desi sound asleep.

DESI!! You are late for track!!!

Oh mom, I was so tired, I fell asleep. She tries to get her wits about her and get dressed for track. Of course she was tired. She had to do a whole lot of make up work that day in school, as I recently got in touch with her teachers to find out what she was behind on.

She also is tired alot with her own physical issues related to asthma.

So I rush her on and we run over to the field. I get out of the car to run over and talk to the coach.

In my mind, we are not that late, as it is just past 4:30 and I thought they practice until 6:30.

I try to see if she can compete, now that she is here. He is saying no.

I try to explain Desi to him. He is not listening.  In fact he is refuting the whole thing with “she has been in track for three years and she never did this before”. At this point, I am thinking, Right, I have always been there. My goodness, are you going to penalize this ONE MISTAKE?

He is angry that she didn’t call him. Well that is a no brainer, she was asleep.

He goes on and gets angry with me. I am trying to explain a bit about her disabilities and he is not listening at all.

Then he said rudely that “Ok she can compete, but if she does this again, she will be out of MULTIPLE competitions”.

I knew that wasn’t a good thing to put on her. One mistake and she will miss a ton of track? I just paid 150.00 the day before for her to do this. I don’t want her to miss a ton. My heart is breaking as this man who is normally so nice is not hearing my heart.

Where is the grace for a mistake?

He walks away. I call after him. “Are you angry with me?”

He states that he is angry at the situation.

Angry? Because she fell asleep and missed one track competition??

Desi wants to know what is going on, so I tell her. She says Mom, I am not going to compete.

So I tell the coach and we just leave. She is hurt and doesn’t want to continue in track.

I am hurt and don’t know why this man is so angry because my daughter was an hour late for a practice, because she wasn’t feeling well.

I have just gone through the mother fears about her life, ran home, hurried her to the field and then this.

We go home. I text him and try to explain why we are upset and I end my text with, I think parents of kids with disabilities should be able to have IEP’s so that people would just treat them with kindness even if they don’t GET IT!

Well in the end, this man did apologize to me, but he stuck by his rules.

We tried to just let it all go and she will be back in track on Monday and competing on Tuesday.

I want my IEP. I want people to accept what I tell them and believe me. I want the world to be kind to me, even if they don’t Get it about my kids.

Raising FASD kids is riddled with missunderstanding from outsiders. It is the story of my life really.  I am considered over parenting, or under parenting, or over protective, or babying my kids, or not disciplining them.  This sounds like I can’t win for loosing, doesn’t it?

FASD is an invisible disability that others see as behavior issues, immaturity, irresponsibility, lazy, and rebellious.

All kids can have a little of that, but these kids have extremes. They are not understood often and neither are their parents.

I know, I need to grow some thick skin, right? Gosh, I have been trying to, but when it comes to my kids, I just thin back out so easily.

I often state, I have nine children. I have raised the ones that do so well. They do not have FASD. Honestly, it is not me. I am giving this all I got.

Give me a break world or get me an IEP!!!

Someone wrote on an FASD board that a man with an autistic child hands out business cards that explain his children’s behaviors.

Maybe I should have done that a long time ago. Now my kids are adult, or near that and it would probably embarrass them.

I love my kids. Lord help the world to understand us. Thanks.

Jon has been gone for 11 days. I have been exhausted. I just collapsed basically, but I can feel myself pulling up some now. I feel like maybe I just came home from a war. Not a war that was won either, but one that just can’t be fought any more.

 Jon is now living with our second bio son, Nate. This was a miracle dropped right out of Heaven. Nate was moving at the end of the month and needed a room mate. They have been together now for a few days and all is going well so far. For Nate, this is just fine because Jon has disability and will be a reliable payee on the rent. It won’t bother Nate if Jon is smoking dope. He doesn’t care what his room mates do. He is treating Jon like an adult and allowing Jon to join in with all his friends. Jon is loving this because “chilling” with friends is what he likes to do. Some how that stimulation of having people around is what keeps him happy.

 I applied to the school to have Jon on home education for the rest of the year, so that he can graduate. We pick up his work at school and Nate is going to help him finish. He only has one class to pass and in special ed, all you gotta do is try and you can pass. I want to see him walk across that stadium and get his diploma. School has been very hard work from day one for Jon and I. We don’t want all that to be a waste.

 Jon is now off all medications and so far, he seems to be managing that too. He even appears to be loosing some weight, which is needed for him. He had gained way too much on his meds. That is the down fall of taking bipolar meds. However I am not settling in on that being a good thing yet. He isn’t in school, so no teachers to fight with, and he isn’t working, so no boss to please. Maybe without all those stressors, he can be ok.

I somehow feel empty though. I can’t fully explain it. I don’t feel lonely and we still have Desi here. She is doing great right now. So it isn’t an empty nest thing. It is more that I don’t have to watch constantly that everything is ok with Jon and having done that for so many years, it leaves me with an adjustment. Can you miss a bad thing? lol. I don’t think so, but there is change to get used to.

  We will never give up on Jon. I hope now that we can help him ever further while living outside our home. I hope that our relationship with him can deepen and grow more peaceful. It has never been that.

 I know that I felt like I almost gave up my life for Jon and though any mom would probably do that for her kid, I am not Jesus and not equipped to die for anyone. I have a lot of healing to do now to over come all these years of stress on my physical body. I know that God is at work and it feels good to know that I have a chance now to go forward and make progress that I can keep.

 Today I have been reflecting on our life with all the kids. Now maybe I can reach back and start blogging on our past a bit. Maybe some of the joyful moments can be brought back up. It sure has been a journey over 31 years. I was thinking tonight that in just two months, I will not ever have to think about grade cards again. Desi and Jon will both graduate. No more IEP meetings, teachers meetings, being mother bear over my child at school, or homework.

 That will be another adjustment. On to a new season. We are having two new grand babies in the fall. We sure enjoy the two grand sons that we have now. They are such a blessing.

Am I actually retiring? I didn’t dream that I could do that, lol. I will try. Let’s see how that goes.

Thank you Lord for keeping your strong angels with Jon. What a blessing you have done for us.

A friend had sent me this scripture before we found out that Jon and Nate would room together:

For He (the Lord) will deliver the needy when he cries
The poor also, and him who has no helper.
He will spare the poor and needy.
And He will save the souls of the needy.
He will redeem their life from oppression and violence.
Jon and I were both the needy and helpless. We both needed a miracle. We could do nothing and yet God did everything. Praise HIM!!

God just has to!!

We had no choice any more. We had to remove Jonathan from our home this week. He was stealing from us too much.

He got himself fired from his job last week also and we knew things were going to change after that. With Jon having money is everything. He tried everything to get more money from his account and tried to get his ID so he could sell his plasma. He was getting desperate and then he bullied me into my office and stole from my office and then manhandled me so that I could not get it away from him.

 The last day he was here, he broke into my husband’s locked storage and stole a nice set of his head phones. Then that night he took off with his friends about ten and never came back home. It was a school night.

Things were so out of control and I had just come through a horrible physical break from my adrenals due to the stress. I felt that if he was allowed to continue here, it was coming down to me or him. If I am not here, I won’t be helping his future and he would be on his own anyway.

This actually took alot of faith to do, but when we would not allow him back in after he was gone, I felt like a thousand pounds came off me. It was more that I felt constantly violated in my own house and I no longer have to feel that way.

 Jon has been at his druggie friends home all week and he got his last check from McDonalds. I told him to pay some rent to his friend.

He has begged me all week to come home, but I have stood firm. He is great at manipulating me really. I know that now. He will say that he has learned a big lesson. He should have listened to me, but it doesn’t last.

 He is not in school this week and of course that means that there is a chance he won’t graduate. That one was pretty hard for me, as I have spent all his school years plowing behind him and I wanted to see him walk across that stage and get a diploma.

 I have had to release all my hopes and dreams for Jon, up to God, who alone can help Jon now.

I felt so much peace and relief at first. I realized how badly I needed just some respite but there wasn’t anyone to give it to me. I was desperate. Our world doesn’t have the resources that FASD parents can reach out to. If your child has autism, you have someones compassion and services, but FASD is invisible and not very recognized. In fact more often then not, the parents of FASD kids are judged as bad parents, who caused their problems by not parenting them well.

  I am here to tell you that all the good parenting in the world does not always help if the child is as badly damaged as my son is.

My daughter, Desi, has FASD also and she is a joy. She is growing and learning and doing so well. She is not out having sex with boys or doing drugs. She is going to graduate in a few months.

 Desi needs our help too, but she isn’t like pouring sand into a bag with a hole in it, as Jon is. Her bag is filling up and over flowing and good is coming out.

 Of course marijuana is partly responsible for Jon’s down hill slide. It has taken away what little memory he had to begin with and lately he just seems some what empty.

 I cried out for help. I wrote to alot of people and told them that we were at our end. We could not do this any more. I found  out that when you are in that much of a crisis, no one even wants to respond. They don’t have answers either. So they don’t even write back.

  Now that the initial high of relief has worn off, I realize that I have been living in a war zone. I am having flash backs. If I go in Jon’s room, I almost get physically sick. I can hardly bear to have to see him right now at all.

 And yet I am also grieving. Grieving for all the lost dreams that I had for my son. Grieving for the fact that even still, there isn’t any help out there for him. He is basically homeless and I can’t fix that right now.

 I know that no one has the answers, but there is also a part of me that is sad that they all just ignored me. 

 So now it is time God! Time for a miracle for our family and Jon. I don’t have a clue how you can fix this, but I know that you are able. I stand here relying totally on YOU!  Keep Jon safe out there Lord. Send more then his share of angels to watch over him.

 I won’t give up on YOU Lord. You are all we have!!