Archive for the ‘Let God or live with God?’ Category

YES you read that right. I have a serious life threatening illness and this week it hit bad. I didn’t think I was going to make it. I have adrenal insufficiency and my adrenals crashed so badly that is was an Addison’s crisis.

 The stress of this weekend with my son was horrific. After he called the police on me, on Friday, he proceeded to go to the bank and withdraw out 500 dollars from his SSI. The bank gave it to him without and ID!  I was shocked!

 Jon went on to spend that entire 500 dollars in two days and when he finally came home on Sunday, he could not remember what he spent it on, other then a huge tattoo on his arms.  He said he bought things and he could not remember what he bought, or where they were.

 He was so tired from not sleeping all weekend that I could not keep him awake to talk about it.

The entire weekend made me so upset. Well getting angry is very dangerous for me. It is a luxury that I just cannot afford.  It hurts my adrenals and I just can’t have it. When I woke up yesterday, I thought I was done for this earth.  I really did. It was scary. I had to take steroids, lots of sea salt and water and I have been in bed every since.

So that entire day, I meditated on Jon and what the Lord would have me to do about him. I wrote this letter to my friend:

I have prayed almost all day in my heart as I have worked to recover from this experience.
I have taken some steroids and lots of salt and water and am at the point of standing up and doing a little now.
I have meditated all day on all the possibilities here.
I believe I have a plan that is God’s plan, but it is not to change my son. It is to change ME!
I have thought over all the stuff that he does that makes me crazy.
I have thought over who I am as a person, and a mom.
Everything that we are going through with Jon, is so against all my learned parenting skills.
He steals from us, stealing is a sin to me and a violation, but in Jon’s mind, he just needs something, so he takes it.
He lies to us all the time, but in Jon’s mind, he doesn’t know what to say half the time and he figures he is always in trouble, or he can’t remember the answer, so he doesn’t speak the truth.
He never comes home on time because Jon lives in the moment and doesn’t understand time any more then a toddler.
He went through 500 dollars this weekend that he got at the bank. I am fixing that issue so he can’t do it again.
However when he came home, he had a tattoo, but could not tell you one thing that he spent that money on. He even bought things and didn’t know what they were or where they were.
He argues his points all the time.
He is determined to get his way all the time, even if his way is bad for him.
He is failing school in his last months of his senior year.
He is doing dope often when he can.
He cannot manage his life at all, other then being with his friends and his whole life is about Chillen” or sleeping.
This is my son. This is as deep as he gets. He could not ever go to any further schooling.
I do not know how he manages his job at Mcdonalds, other then the fact that I notice they always put him on the outdoors window and he probably talks to every customer that comes through, so he loves that social part of his job. He can joke all the time with people as he isn’t very deep in any conversation.
Anway, I realized that my militant beliefs about parenting and living for the Lord are what is taking ME DOWN.
I have to give up EVERYTHING That I believe about all of this.
I am stuck in this middle place. To the left is Jon on the streets and unable to care for himself and off his meds. He will loose his job, be dangerous to others without his meds and possibly dangerous to US.
He won’t leave our house alone, will beg us to come home all the time and probably land in jail.
To the right is Jon with all that he entails living at our house and making me sick if I continue to hold onto all my strong beliefs about what he should be doing.
So here is what I feel God wants me to do.
I give up.
I don’t get angry about any stealing. I just take his money and replace it.
I ignore his lies.
I don’t get mad if he is not home on time, but I did tell him if he can’t be home at 9 on weeknights, to stay with his friend for the night. That way he isn’t going to come in at all hours of the nights on week nights.
On weekends, I leave his window open and he can crawl in when he wants.
I no longer fight with him about money, or use that as any discipline. I simply give him his allowance and if he uses it for dope, ok.
90 percent of all kids with FASD are doing dope because they are medicating their selves. They have nerve damage and life irritates them all the time. Noise and light bother them. Dope calms them down.
He is not drinking, out stealing or committing any crimes that could put him in jail, but even if he went to jail, I have to give that up too.
If he dies out there, then that is his time to go.
If he does not graduate, then I have to say, it does not matter.
I mean, basically, I just have to make sure he has his medications daily and a place to sleep and NOT ALLOW ANYTHING ELSE concern me.
I have to change. I have to let this ALL GO!!!!!!!
If I don’t, then my life is in jeopardy and today was a huge wake up call.
I might need help with this. When something upsets me, I might shoot a vent email to you or my friends. I might ask a friend to pray with me to help me let it go.
I have no choice.
The big thing that I am going to do is go to the bank this week and have him sign over power of attorney of his pay checks. That way, he can’t take them all and go spend them, before paying his bills.
He got 500 dollars out of the bank on Friday withOUT an ID! The bank let him. I have to change the account to have to have two signatures on it. Then he cannot touch it.
He has ordered a bank card and called Mcdonalds to have his money stop being auto deposited. Pretty smart HUH for all else he is.
He likes money, but can’t handle it at all.
I told him that he cannot live here unless he lets me manage that, as it will make me very mad if he just spends his whole pay checks in a day and then has nothing left for his needs.
He does get disability, but if he lived on that alone, he could barely pay the rent and his phone and he would not have anything else.
I will make sure that all his needs are met and he has his allowance etc. BUT he won’t go through the money.
Do you see the wisdom in all of this?
I do, but I also see just how much I will surly need the Lord to walk it all out.
It is the only solution in my heart.
If I change, then living with Jon won’t be so hard.
Mike and I talked it all over tonight and we are both going to try and move in this.
Your prayers have help me sort this out in my heart.
So now I need all my FASD caregiver friends to help me “just say no” to anger about my child.
If you have figured the secret out to this, tell me your secret, lol
Today Jon called me before his work. He said he was quitting his job.  OMG!  Ok Jon, this was my first test. I told him he could do that if he wants.
 He is like, well I don’t feel like going to work today.  OK………who does? lol. 
He didn’t go, he did not call to quit yet, but I know he is written up and might be fired.
I have to say “what ever”. oh wait, this means I don’t have to take him to work any more and this means I don’t have to watch for HIS TIME any more. I am Jon’s clock, lol.  So no more arguing with him about getting up in time to go to work.
OH YES, this means also that Jon will no longer have any more money to spend on dope. Well YIPPEEEE!! 
Ok, LORD! So this could be a good thing. I let it go. I said I was not going to worry about his job, graduation, etc.
My goodness, letting go does feel good. I am not angry at all. WOW!  How did I do that ?
Then at 3 oclock, Jon calls and asks me for a ride from his friends home. I am like, um Jon? I don’t give you rides from your friends. Your friends do that. I am not your taxi. 
 He is like, well it is the same as going to work.  OH YES, but you don’t go to work any more, so I don’t have to do this, lol.
So Jon states, Well then I won’t be home before 9 tonight then.
I am like, Ok Jon, then stay with your friend. That is OK. 
Wow, where is this coming from? I don’t care? I can’t care. I can’t get angry. If I do, I don’t get to live. It is Jon or me here. I want to live, so I must stop caring about what happens to Jon.  I am letting go. WOW!! Baby steps.
Thank you Lord that I had victory today!!! 
One day at a time with the help of my Lord and my wonderful friends with experience.  Praise God!