Archive for the ‘2012’ Category

Today was quite interesting. Today I feel like a huge weight has been removed from my shoulders and I passed a giant test. WOW FASD caregivers, I can share some good news for once, lol

If you read my last blog post, you know that Jon decided to quit his job. Well he has had three no shows and is now probably fired. I can’t get him to consider calling them to quit first, or anything, so he is fired.
Well this means that I no longer have to watch his time, get him out of bed and fight with him to get ready on time for work.
This means that there will be no longer any more fighting over how much money he gets for allowance, or why can’t he have HIS MONEY. etc.
There won’t be an allowance and of course less money to do drugs etc.
This actually takes a huge load off me.
He gets SSI and it will pay the rent and food and that is enough for him to make it. There is a bit left for deodorant etc.
I am happy with that. I don’t know what he will do with his time, but my only big concern is getting meds into him daily, and that is all I am responsible for.
THIS IS A HUGE LOAD OFF ME. No more to fight with him about (well that is probably an understatement, but you get what I mean, lol)
I am really relieved and I thought I would be upset if he lost his job.
Now if he gets a job, I am not going to be responsible for getting him there at all. He will have to just get himself there on time and he will have to walk or take a bus. I am DONE!! lol
BIG Relief to me. I MEAN HUGE!!
Well today I was hit with another test and I am happy to say I passed it with FLYING COLORS!! lol
Here is what this kid did:
He came to my room and acted all cutsie. “Ok mom, I think it is time I moved out on my own now.”
WHAT? You just got fired from your job and you are now moving on your own?????
“Yup, it is time.”  Well I am still recovering physically from the weekend and so I am too tired to spend too much time figuring all this out. I just thought he is going to try some things and find out etc.
I did ask him if he was planning to move in with Stephen his friend. He said yes. Well does Stephen have money for an apartment saved?
Yup mom………..well I know that Stephen doesn’t have any money, as he just started a temp job and prior to that, he sold his plasma for his weekly gas and dope. lol.
 OKAYYYY, so he heads out to find an apartment.
RINGGGGGG………..Hello………Mom do you still have an ID for me?
Um, yes you have a high school ID here. I am thinking that he needs that to get an apartment.
So he comes back home and I give him the ID and his meds. I am thinking ahead. He might not be home tonight. 🙂
Maybe 15 minutes later, Jon shows up again. He was so mad. 
THEY WOULD NOT GIVE ME ANY MONEY AT THE BANK!!!! THEY SAID MY ACCOUNT WAS EMPTY!!!!! *the bank is around the corner from our house, DUH, why didn’t I realize that the ID might be for the bank??*
I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT! After going to the bank this weekend and taking out 500.00 of his SSI money and all the upset that this caused, he was going to do it AGAIN?????????
Did he not get the text that I sent to him, JON! I have moved all the money out of your account. You will NEVER do this to us again!
Well if he got that text, his memory fails him.
So think about this. Here Jon was trying to get money out of the bank again. WHAT HE JUST DID LAST WEEKEND THAT I GOT SO UPSET ABOUT, besides the fact that he called the police on me and a whole lot more.
So temptation came across my path.  I could get angry all over again.  I started to, for just a minute………THEN I STOPPED!  NO WAY! I am not going to get angry. I am done with that pain. NO MORE SICKNESS for this mom. Please Lord let me not get angry any more. It is useless.
After I told him that I had removed the money and that he was no longer going to have bank privileges, he stated, “Well then, I am going to stay here”.  Um…………OK…….Ya think?  Maybe just maybe, he will appreciate having a home now and not think he has rights over me any more.
Ok, so he went to the bank to withdraw the rest of his money on the pretense of getting an apartment with his friend. Maybe he even thought he could get an apartment with his money. He would have no clue that the apartment company would look at the fact that he isn’t working and was just fired from his job. OR that it would cost probably close to a grand to get an apartment with the first months rent and deposit.
The truth?  I don’t think he was going for an apartment. I think he told me that as he planned to be gone for a few days on a spending spree!
I also think that this bank thing is why he quit working. When he saw money in the bank, I think he thought he was rich without a job. hehe.
So I had to chuckle. I won. I didn’t get angry. I passed the test. YEAH LORD!!!  I PASSED THE TEST!!!
I am so much more free now. Thank you Jesus!!!

YES you read that right. I have a serious life threatening illness and this week it hit bad. I didn’t think I was going to make it. I have adrenal insufficiency and my adrenals crashed so badly that is was an Addison’s crisis.

 The stress of this weekend with my son was horrific. After he called the police on me, on Friday, he proceeded to go to the bank and withdraw out 500 dollars from his SSI. The bank gave it to him without and ID!  I was shocked!

 Jon went on to spend that entire 500 dollars in two days and when he finally came home on Sunday, he could not remember what he spent it on, other then a huge tattoo on his arms.  He said he bought things and he could not remember what he bought, or where they were.

 He was so tired from not sleeping all weekend that I could not keep him awake to talk about it.

The entire weekend made me so upset. Well getting angry is very dangerous for me. It is a luxury that I just cannot afford.  It hurts my adrenals and I just can’t have it. When I woke up yesterday, I thought I was done for this earth.  I really did. It was scary. I had to take steroids, lots of sea salt and water and I have been in bed every since.

So that entire day, I meditated on Jon and what the Lord would have me to do about him. I wrote this letter to my friend:

I have prayed almost all day in my heart as I have worked to recover from this experience.
I have taken some steroids and lots of salt and water and am at the point of standing up and doing a little now.
I have meditated all day on all the possibilities here.
I believe I have a plan that is God’s plan, but it is not to change my son. It is to change ME!
I have thought over all the stuff that he does that makes me crazy.
I have thought over who I am as a person, and a mom.
Everything that we are going through with Jon, is so against all my learned parenting skills.
He steals from us, stealing is a sin to me and a violation, but in Jon’s mind, he just needs something, so he takes it.
He lies to us all the time, but in Jon’s mind, he doesn’t know what to say half the time and he figures he is always in trouble, or he can’t remember the answer, so he doesn’t speak the truth.
He never comes home on time because Jon lives in the moment and doesn’t understand time any more then a toddler.
He went through 500 dollars this weekend that he got at the bank. I am fixing that issue so he can’t do it again.
However when he came home, he had a tattoo, but could not tell you one thing that he spent that money on. He even bought things and didn’t know what they were or where they were.
He argues his points all the time.
He is determined to get his way all the time, even if his way is bad for him.
He is failing school in his last months of his senior year.
He is doing dope often when he can.
He cannot manage his life at all, other then being with his friends and his whole life is about Chillen” or sleeping.
This is my son. This is as deep as he gets. He could not ever go to any further schooling.
I do not know how he manages his job at Mcdonalds, other then the fact that I notice they always put him on the outdoors window and he probably talks to every customer that comes through, so he loves that social part of his job. He can joke all the time with people as he isn’t very deep in any conversation.
Anway, I realized that my militant beliefs about parenting and living for the Lord are what is taking ME DOWN.
I have to give up EVERYTHING That I believe about all of this.
I am stuck in this middle place. To the left is Jon on the streets and unable to care for himself and off his meds. He will loose his job, be dangerous to others without his meds and possibly dangerous to US.
He won’t leave our house alone, will beg us to come home all the time and probably land in jail.
To the right is Jon with all that he entails living at our house and making me sick if I continue to hold onto all my strong beliefs about what he should be doing.
So here is what I feel God wants me to do.
I give up.
I don’t get angry about any stealing. I just take his money and replace it.
I ignore his lies.
I don’t get mad if he is not home on time, but I did tell him if he can’t be home at 9 on weeknights, to stay with his friend for the night. That way he isn’t going to come in at all hours of the nights on week nights.
On weekends, I leave his window open and he can crawl in when he wants.
I no longer fight with him about money, or use that as any discipline. I simply give him his allowance and if he uses it for dope, ok.
90 percent of all kids with FASD are doing dope because they are medicating their selves. They have nerve damage and life irritates them all the time. Noise and light bother them. Dope calms them down.
He is not drinking, out stealing or committing any crimes that could put him in jail, but even if he went to jail, I have to give that up too.
If he dies out there, then that is his time to go.
If he does not graduate, then I have to say, it does not matter.
I mean, basically, I just have to make sure he has his medications daily and a place to sleep and NOT ALLOW ANYTHING ELSE concern me.
I have to change. I have to let this ALL GO!!!!!!!
If I don’t, then my life is in jeopardy and today was a huge wake up call.
I might need help with this. When something upsets me, I might shoot a vent email to you or my friends. I might ask a friend to pray with me to help me let it go.
I have no choice.
The big thing that I am going to do is go to the bank this week and have him sign over power of attorney of his pay checks. That way, he can’t take them all and go spend them, before paying his bills.
He got 500 dollars out of the bank on Friday withOUT an ID! The bank let him. I have to change the account to have to have two signatures on it. Then he cannot touch it.
He has ordered a bank card and called Mcdonalds to have his money stop being auto deposited. Pretty smart HUH for all else he is.
He likes money, but can’t handle it at all.
I told him that he cannot live here unless he lets me manage that, as it will make me very mad if he just spends his whole pay checks in a day and then has nothing left for his needs.
He does get disability, but if he lived on that alone, he could barely pay the rent and his phone and he would not have anything else.
I will make sure that all his needs are met and he has his allowance etc. BUT he won’t go through the money.
Do you see the wisdom in all of this?
I do, but I also see just how much I will surly need the Lord to walk it all out.
It is the only solution in my heart.
If I change, then living with Jon won’t be so hard.
Mike and I talked it all over tonight and we are both going to try and move in this.
Your prayers have help me sort this out in my heart.
So now I need all my FASD caregiver friends to help me “just say no” to anger about my child.
If you have figured the secret out to this, tell me your secret, lol
Today Jon called me before his work. He said he was quitting his job.  OMG!  Ok Jon, this was my first test. I told him he could do that if he wants.
 He is like, well I don’t feel like going to work today.  OK………who does? lol. 
He didn’t go, he did not call to quit yet, but I know he is written up and might be fired.
I have to say “what ever”. oh wait, this means I don’t have to take him to work any more and this means I don’t have to watch for HIS TIME any more. I am Jon’s clock, lol.  So no more arguing with him about getting up in time to go to work.
OH YES, this means also that Jon will no longer have any more money to spend on dope. Well YIPPEEEE!! 
Ok, LORD! So this could be a good thing. I let it go. I said I was not going to worry about his job, graduation, etc.
My goodness, letting go does feel good. I am not angry at all. WOW!  How did I do that ?
Then at 3 oclock, Jon calls and asks me for a ride from his friends home. I am like, um Jon? I don’t give you rides from your friends. Your friends do that. I am not your taxi. 
 He is like, well it is the same as going to work.  OH YES, but you don’t go to work any more, so I don’t have to do this, lol.
So Jon states, Well then I won’t be home before 9 tonight then.
I am like, Ok Jon, then stay with your friend. That is OK. 
Wow, where is this coming from? I don’t care? I can’t care. I can’t get angry. If I do, I don’t get to live. It is Jon or me here. I want to live, so I must stop caring about what happens to Jon.  I am letting go. WOW!! Baby steps.
Thank you Lord that I had victory today!!! 
One day at a time with the help of my Lord and my wonderful friends with experience.  Praise God!

Yes!  That is what happened today. Mike and I are discussing whether or not, we need to get an eviction on Jon now.

 Here is the story. Jon is doing dope. Of course you all know that, as I have written many  times before about that. FASD has given his brain enough damage so that he does not make positive choices for himself.

He is currently on the edge of not graduating high school with only  three months to go, due to this stuff called DOPE! 

This mother bear has worked her tail off to get this kid through school all these years. I can’t begin to tell you what it has been like to help a son with FASD get through school

There has been so many calls from the schools over the years for disruptive behavior, fights for IEPS and help, constant discipline at school, teacher complaints, teachers giving up, suspensions on a regular basis, and even a felon on a teacher in high school.

 Now we are three months from the end of this tremendous trial and Jon is giving up because of the drugs that are out there. 

 We have tired every possible thing to get this kid free from this.

We have fined him for it.

We have kicked him out and he comes back like a helpless puppy needing our help and he does need our help.

We have tried lock down and he snuck out the windows at night.

We have tried giving him all his freedom and allowances etc. and he started coming home stoned.

 Now we are trying a new thing. We have stopped giving him money, so that he can’t purchase any of this stuff. We feel that we are enabling him that way.

 So now Jon wants to go get an ID so he can sell his plasma for dope money. I refuse to give him his birth certificate and social card so that he can go do that.

 Ok, so today Jon calls 911 on me. He tells the police that I won’t give him his social card and birth certificate. Well I planned ahead just a bit before they arrived and I called my lawyer. I found out that those documents are MINE and if he wants those documents he has to go downtown and file to get his own.

 He probably does not realize yet that those will cost him some money that he won’t have to pay for them.

Here is what happened though. The officers asked me why was I hanging in there with this son of mine who obviously didn’t want to do anything right? They told me that I am enabling him to do these drugs and I need to go downtown and file an eviction on him to get him out of my house.

Then if he comes back here, he is their problem.

OK PARENTS OF FASD KIDS, What would you do???  Would you continue to help your son graduate? Would you kick him to the streets? I would love it if you would share how you might handle this.

Please don’t tell me what I should do.  I am going to go to my heavenly Father and pray about what I should do.  However I would love to know what you would do if you were in my position. Maybe I can learn from you.

I even asked the officer. “Would you put your son out if he was mentally disabled?”  He said no. Then he looked at the ground, as in that moment, he knew my helplessness. 

After the officers left, Jon came to my door and rang the bell over and over. I asked him what he wanted, as I was uncertain how he was going to behave after that, and not sure I should let him in the house. He said he wanted to get his stuff. Ok legally he can get his stuff.

 He came in the house, ran upstairs where my office was, and began tearing stuff out of my desk. He found a copy of his social, which also had copies of all my family socials and he took it. I tried to get it from his hands and he man handled me, which was abuse to me.

My lawyer was on the phone through all of this and I knew that if I called the police at that moment, I could have had my son arrested for what he did.

He used lots of choice language and went down stairs and cut his part out.

I have endured physical stuff from this kid, emotional agony, and I can honestly tell you that there has never been any real joy in raising Jonathan. 

Does this sound sad? I guess maybe I enjoyed watching him in sports etc., but all the pain that has been there through every day with severe ODD behaviors, are mostly what I have on record in my memory box.

It has always been work and hardship. I bet other parents of FASD kids can identify.

I know what joy in raising a child is, as I have nine total and I have been very blessed with my children. I know that I love Jon with every bit of my heart even though I have had all this hardship.

 Countless nights, Jon has kept me up with this mess. Countless nights he comes home late with red eyes and smelling. Countless days, I try to help him continue in school. Countless days I am badgered by my son, his anger and bad language.

 I keep doing this because I know my son did not choose to be brain damaged. He is unable to live on his own. He doesn’t know how to manage time and get to work. He does not know how to remember to take his meds daily. He doesn’t realize the consequences of his actions.

 He didn’t make the choice to be born so damaged.

 Do I toss him to the streets?

I have never been one to give up on anything or anyone.  I won’t give up on Jon, but putting him out, might not be giving up. I am not sure yet.

Lord, you have a plan for my son. I know that and the plan isn’t for the streets and dope.

You have a hope and a future for my son and the enemy of our souls cannot have my son.

Lord once again, send out the very strongest of angels and minister to my son. Show him how much you love him.  Thank you Lord. You are so good to me.

No Drinking in Utero-NO FASD


By the worlds standards, my son is grown up.

He’s an adult, but his life was messed up.


It all began when his birth mom, didn’t know

that alcohol in pregnancy, could damage him so.


Now he can’t understand, what is so wrong

He wants to feel like an adult. just to belong


He can’t manage time, money or bills

He can’t remember daily, to take his pills.


He does not know how to listen, or hear

what could help him each day, for he has no fear


of the dangers that lie just waiting for him

to reach out and grab him and take him in.


Risk taking is regular, in his life

and he loves to argue, his point in strife


As his adopted mom, we chose him

what the future held for us, was very dim.


We didn’t realize at the time, that our son

would have problems in life, that could not be undone.


Now we grieve, what he cannot be

because our son has FASD.


What is that? Would you like to know?

How did alcohol, damage him so?


Well you see, little babies cannot drink

intoxication for them is the very link


It pickles their tiny, wee little brains

and causes cells to die, growth looses gains


Each time it happens, the brain shrinks down

and looses impulses, that carry messages around


Soon the routes for thoughts do not work right

this poor child’s life, becomes a great fight


Many say, he’s so bad and not right

they think he is angry and not very bright.


If he only would listen and learn what to do

All would be well, yes we will fix you.


Not going to happen with this child you see.

His brain is damaged, He has FASD.


So life goes on for my son each day.

He tries to do right, but there seems no way.


He cannot connect, what he needs to grow

He will always be lagging, and struggling so.


Managing a job, is a task he can’t do

He needs an aid in life, someone just to,


Keep him on, the right path each day

An overwhelming task, I just want to say.


My child needs help, for his life to be

safe from bad choices, that he doesn’t see


Can put him in danger, jail, or the grave.

He does not realize, how to behave.


I want to tell you, that this is not right.

If you will just listen, please open your sight.


This can all be prevented, if you will see.

No drinking in utero, No FASD.


By Terry Quinn


Posted: February 1, 2012 in 2012, Raising Hearts, UNRULY??

That is what  the gentleman from DD services called my son today.

I have not shared all that we have been through, as I sometimes feel that I get tired of repeating the same old stuff.
We have had a long string of challenges with Jonathan. He isn’t accepted by too many friends and the ones that do accept him, don’t seem to have their lives too together either. Most of them are doing drugs.
Jon does not have cash in hand to do this stuff, but it appears that his friends are only too glad to share and enable him.
We have tried to put him on lock down for a while to stay away from his enabling friends and stay clean for a while.
It is not working well at all.
Jon escaped out his window on Saturday and left for the whole day. He left his phone at home so I could not track him.
Then on Sunday he walked right out of the house, in front of us, and took off with a kid that we know is doing dope.
THat night my husband was so upset that he threw his clothes out.
We were just in shock that Jon just left when we told him not to. We feel helpless to stop his behavior at all.
Of course it was not long before he was begging me to come and pick him up, as he left without a jacket and wanted back in the house.
We just throw up our hands into the air and say “we give up”.
On Monday, with advice from Jon’s teacher, I called DD services to see if we might qualify for their respite services. We were spent totally, emotionally and physically. Couldn’t someone help us? Just take Jon for a few days so that we could breath?
They did send me paperwork out to fill out and see if we can qualify for respite care.
The case manager called me today and talked to me, since I had stated that we had a family emergency.
Since Jon does not have an official diagnosis of FASD, his conversation to me wasn’t the best.
He called my son “UNRULY” and told me that they can’t help him. He said that since Jon was still under a FCCS subsidy, that we have an open case with FCCS and we should contact them to get us help.
Well I  am not sure that this is a real open case. We get subsidy for his adoption that ends when he graduates, but he is not a foster child. If we call FCCS, then we are the ones who will be investigated and I am not fond of doing that. I have nothing to hide, but just don’t like them in our business. I still have one minor in the house who has had some pretty big issues, as she also has FASD.
We talked for a few more minutes and I could see pretty plain that this man did not understand FASD at all. He told me that Jon’s next step was conduct disorder and well I have been down that path before when he was kicked out of school, and got a felony for slamming a door on a teacher etc. He had to attend this special Buckey Boys Ranch school for the rest of the year and they told him the same thing. They practically told him he was headed to jail.
Nothing anyone tells Jon makes a difference. He has brain damage. You can’t tell brain damage to change. He needs a miracle from God for that to happen.
Jon might be unruly to some people, but honestly the term bugs me quite a bit.
It bugs me because Jon doesn’t want to do what he does, or be who he is.
Jon does not know how to stop being Jon.
 It is a weird place to be in when you can see the disability side of stuff and you can’t stand the kid you are living with, but you love him so much that you can’t deal with anyone else calling him names.
I have decided to take a chance on children’s hospital genetics clinic and see if I can possibly get Jon diagnosed with FASD. I don’t know what measurements that they use. Maybe he has some facial stuff that I can’t see. AA kids don’t have thin upper lips in general.
 Jon has absolutely every symptom of FASD and to almost the deepest level. He might not be MR yet, but he is close and in some ways worse. He needs an external brain to take care of him 24/7 and this is for the rest of his life.
  Even his newly opened case with SSI and SSDI has the statement that he has to be reevaluated in three years in case he is no longer disabled.
Would that all parents of FASD kids could see that happen. It sure would give us some hope, wouldn’t it?
 FASD is an invisible disability. If Jon were in a wheel chair, people would bend over back wards to help him. Instead he has brain damage that people can’t see on the outside and what they do see, they interpret as unruly. 😦
AS it is, we don’t know where we are going most of the time or how we are going to get there. I don’t know how people do it that don’t know the Lord. I would sink into a hole and never want to come out. I know that God always has an answer and even though it looks really bleak right now, there is an answer for Jon’s future.
The Lord says in the Bible that He knows the plans He has for us. Plans for Good and NOT for evil. Plans to give us an expected end.
We are claiming that for Jon. Plans for GOOD!!  Only God can make help Jon right now. We are expecting. It has been too long with all this pain. It is time for some Joy. 
Lord send us JOY!  Send the strong angels out to care for Jon every day and send all the Joy that you can, with them. Thanks.