Archive for the ‘When the world doesn’t have answers’ Category

God just has to!!

We had no choice any more. We had to remove Jonathan from our home this week. He was stealing from us too much.

He got himself fired from his job last week also and we knew things were going to change after that. With Jon having money is everything. He tried everything to get more money from his account and tried to get his ID so he could sell his plasma. He was getting desperate and then he bullied me into my office and stole from my office and then manhandled me so that I could not get it away from him.

 The last day he was here, he broke into my husband’s locked storage and stole a nice set of his head phones. Then that night he took off with his friends about ten and never came back home. It was a school night.

Things were so out of control and I had just come through a horrible physical break from my adrenals due to the stress. I felt that if he was allowed to continue here, it was coming down to me or him. If I am not here, I won’t be helping his future and he would be on his own anyway.

This actually took alot of faith to do, but when we would not allow him back in after he was gone, I felt like a thousand pounds came off me. It was more that I felt constantly violated in my own house and I no longer have to feel that way.

 Jon has been at his druggie friends home all week and he got his last check from McDonalds. I told him to pay some rent to his friend.

He has begged me all week to come home, but I have stood firm. He is great at manipulating me really. I know that now. He will say that he has learned a big lesson. He should have listened to me, but it doesn’t last.

 He is not in school this week and of course that means that there is a chance he won’t graduate. That one was pretty hard for me, as I have spent all his school years plowing behind him and I wanted to see him walk across that stage and get a diploma.

 I have had to release all my hopes and dreams for Jon, up to God, who alone can help Jon now.

I felt so much peace and relief at first. I realized how badly I needed just some respite but there wasn’t anyone to give it to me. I was desperate. Our world doesn’t have the resources that FASD parents can reach out to. If your child has autism, you have someones compassion and services, but FASD is invisible and not very recognized. In fact more often then not, the parents of FASD kids are judged as bad parents, who caused their problems by not parenting them well.

  I am here to tell you that all the good parenting in the world does not always help if the child is as badly damaged as my son is.

My daughter, Desi, has FASD also and she is a joy. She is growing and learning and doing so well. She is not out having sex with boys or doing drugs. She is going to graduate in a few months.

 Desi needs our help too, but she isn’t like pouring sand into a bag with a hole in it, as Jon is. Her bag is filling up and over flowing and good is coming out.

 Of course marijuana is partly responsible for Jon’s down hill slide. It has taken away what little memory he had to begin with and lately he just seems some what empty.

 I cried out for help. I wrote to alot of people and told them that we were at our end. We could not do this any more. I found  out that when you are in that much of a crisis, no one even wants to respond. They don’t have answers either. So they don’t even write back.

  Now that the initial high of relief has worn off, I realize that I have been living in a war zone. I am having flash backs. If I go in Jon’s room, I almost get physically sick. I can hardly bear to have to see him right now at all.

 And yet I am also grieving. Grieving for all the lost dreams that I had for my son. Grieving for the fact that even still, there isn’t any help out there for him. He is basically homeless and I can’t fix that right now.

 I know that no one has the answers, but there is also a part of me that is sad that they all just ignored me. 

 So now it is time God! Time for a miracle for our family and Jon. I don’t have a clue how you can fix this, but I know that you are able. I stand here relying totally on YOU!  Keep Jon safe out there Lord. Send more then his share of angels to watch over him.

 I won’t give up on YOU Lord. You are all we have!!