Getting use to PEACE!

Posted: March 23, 2012 in 2012, Getting use to PEACE!, Raising Hearts

Jon has been gone for 11 days. I have been exhausted. I just collapsed basically, but I can feel myself pulling up some now. I feel like maybe I just came home from a war. Not a war that was won either, but one that just can’t be fought any more.

 Jon is now living with our second bio son, Nate. This was a miracle dropped right out of Heaven. Nate was moving at the end of the month and needed a room mate. They have been together now for a few days and all is going well so far. For Nate, this is just fine because Jon has disability and will be a reliable payee on the rent. It won’t bother Nate if Jon is smoking dope. He doesn’t care what his room mates do. He is treating Jon like an adult and allowing Jon to join in with all his friends. Jon is loving this because “chilling” with friends is what he likes to do. Some how that stimulation of having people around is what keeps him happy.

 I applied to the school to have Jon on home education for the rest of the year, so that he can graduate. We pick up his work at school and Nate is going to help him finish. He only has one class to pass and in special ed, all you gotta do is try and you can pass. I want to see him walk across that stadium and get his diploma. School has been very hard work from day one for Jon and I. We don’t want all that to be a waste.

 Jon is now off all medications and so far, he seems to be managing that too. He even appears to be loosing some weight, which is needed for him. He had gained way too much on his meds. That is the down fall of taking bipolar meds. However I am not settling in on that being a good thing yet. He isn’t in school, so no teachers to fight with, and he isn’t working, so no boss to please. Maybe without all those stressors, he can be ok.

I somehow feel empty though. I can’t fully explain it. I don’t feel lonely and we still have Desi here. She is doing great right now. So it isn’t an empty nest thing. It is more that I don’t have to watch constantly that everything is ok with Jon and having done that for so many years, it leaves me with an adjustment. Can you miss a bad thing? lol. I don’t think so, but there is change to get used to.

  We will never give up on Jon. I hope now that we can help him ever further while living outside our home. I hope that our relationship with him can deepen and grow more peaceful. It has never been that.

 I know that I felt like I almost gave up my life for Jon and though any mom would probably do that for her kid, I am not Jesus and not equipped to die for anyone. I have a lot of healing to do now to over come all these years of stress on my physical body. I know that God is at work and it feels good to know that I have a chance now to go forward and make progress that I can keep.

 Today I have been reflecting on our life with all the kids. Now maybe I can reach back and start blogging on our past a bit. Maybe some of the joyful moments can be brought back up. It sure has been a journey over 31 years. I was thinking tonight that in just two months, I will not ever have to think about grade cards again. Desi and Jon will both graduate. No more IEP meetings, teachers meetings, being mother bear over my child at school, or homework.

 That will be another adjustment. On to a new season. We are having two new grand babies in the fall. We sure enjoy the two grand sons that we have now. They are such a blessing.

Am I actually retiring? I didn’t dream that I could do that, lol. I will try. Let’s see how that goes.

Thank you Lord for keeping your strong angels with Jon. What a blessing you have done for us.

A friend had sent me this scripture before we found out that Jon and Nate would room together:

For He (the Lord) will deliver the needy when he cries
The poor also, and him who has no helper.
He will spare the poor and needy.
And He will save the souls of the needy.
He will redeem their life from oppression and violence.
Jon and I were both the needy and helpless. We both needed a miracle. We could do nothing and yet God did everything. Praise HIM!!
  1. abcdisorders says:

    The serenity you longed for can certainly feel odd after all these years of care-giving. You will adjust but it will likely look different than you imagined. May God comfort and strengthen you in His way and time. Sounds like He’s taking great care of Jon.


  2. mabiclark says:

    I understand what you are writing about. Our daughter was in a crisis home for 3 months in the fall, and it felt peaceful, nice, yet kind of icky and empty at the same time. She is leaving soon for a Residential Treatment Center soon, and I go up and down multiple times a day on how I feel about it. I hope you are able to mostly feel peace, and that the empty feeling is filled with the spirit of knowing you did all you could do.

  3. Sarah Irvine says:

    i am really glad that you are finally finding some peace with your decisons with jon… It sounds like nate is good for him .. yes maybe smoking pot isn’t what he should be doing but, he is being treated like a adult..

    I can’t wait to hear all about your “good ” memories and FUN times you had with him….:) and i certainly can’t wait to see pictures of graduation… 🙂 the ultimate goal!!!


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